A sad reality

Today the hubby and I are on our mini vaca. We will be until sunday. We drove to my second home, northern wisconsin. Ladysmith Wisconsin to be exact. I love it here for many reasons.  For one it is where I grew up, not literally, but emotionally. It is hard to explain. I had a hard time with a lot of things in my later high school years. Relating with my parents was probably numero uno. That was why I tried my darndest to go to a school as far as I could, but still like the school.  That is where Mount Senario College came in.  It was a small private school originally run by a group of nuns then later run as a non-faith based school.

The years at the mount truely shaped me into the person I am today. Crazy I know.  There are a couple of reasons. One I never connected with my born religion. I was catholic, went through the rituals of the catholic faith, went to a catholic high school, but again never felt a connection to continue in the faith.  I was lost in may ways coming to the mount.  I didn't have a faith or a higher power to beleive in.  I found Christ's love through some soul searching and some really good friends. People I still talk to to this day. I don't rely on them as I did in my early christian walk, but they are there if I need them.

Another thing was just the bond of people who I didnt know and who didn't know me when I started. Not a single other soul from my HS town came to the mount the year I did. I had a fresh start. A fresh start to be the person I wanted to be, more outgoing and more of a people person. I am still no where near being a people person, why away from general chatting as I feel I would look like a fool to the other person. But I did open up a ton more than I had before I went to the mount.

So today was very bittersweet for me. I have come to Ladysmith a few times in the years I left. But no other time than today did I long to have that college time back, to do it better the second time. I know we all wish at some point to redo a time in our lives.  It was very bittersweet to see the college the same but different.  The college has been closed for the most part for ten years. Yes a private high school was tried and failed and a college was tried and failed. So for the most part it has sat empty for the last tenish years. This year if houses the Fine Arts Center & Gallery, a satellite campus of some sort is trying to start and it houses some offices in what used to be called the blue wing (the prez's office and stuff). The college for the most part looks like it did when I went there.  Hubby and I peered into windows and saw desks and chairs in rows waiting to be used. We saw the caf with the remodeled kitchen due to a fire a year or two before they closed. We saw the chairs on tables. We saw something that didn't really surprise me, but defenatly saddened me to some degree. We saw the Library. There had been flooding issues in the school so the carpeting was torn out, but the bookcases were in the exact spot they were when I left. Sadder still all the bookcases still had the books on them. The card catalog center was still there and also the library checkout desk was still there. It looked like you could flick a light on and go back to business.  We also got the very surreal experience of being in the main class building.  That is where the FAC & Gallery was, inside the actual school building. I was pointing out all the little areas to hubby, saying "this was x, this was y, this was z"     It was the first time since I left the school that I had stood inside the school. The few times we came up north, the school was closed so there was no ability to see inside. The dorms had also been pretty run down when I came to visit. I was surprised that after our little walk around my old campus, we were getting ready to leave and a bus load of foreign exchange kids come off the buss and go into the dorms. Instead of having "host families" the city is using the dorms as housing. Smart!   I was impressed by how nice the campus was looking. But at the same time I was remembering that this really was a crappy school. Yes, I grew and developed but more in the emotional way through this school than in the educational side.  It was hard to see the bitter sweetness of it all.

Update

So another quickie update blog. Through some confusion about me thinking that I forgot to get back to my social worker I emailed him today. Everything is in order he says. I finished the report today he says. So now It goes to his boss for aproval and to the state in some way or another to. He thinks if everything goes well we could potentially have that license in our hot little hands sometime next week. Can ya give me a "Woot woot!" The thing with that means we could potentially be placed/matched with a kiddo shortly after that. We will be considered to have available beds (a crappy way to put it as having space for children). Although we will probably be "matched " with a child who is on the adoption track, there is a chance we could also be placed with a recently detained child. (another phrase I don't like) Detained sounds so horrible, like they did something wrong, which they didn't.  Detained children are children that have been pulled out of the home for one reason or another.  So this trip we are taking this weekend could really be our last alone trip with no kiddos. Other than Aruba this january. If we could take em we would, but there is no way the paperwork would get done it time, and also it is plan not allowed.  

So I am getting nervous, and back to my "Am I ready" thinking.  I still have a lot I want to do. I want to make an art bin, need to get a mattress liner, get a new blanket for the bed maybe.  I also want to have things for this kid, like clothes and such. So I guess I will have to wait, at least until we get matched for age/gender/size stuff.  Since I know the range of ages we said we are ok to and the likeliness of getting an older child in our range I have started compiling free printables for working on basic preschool and kindergarten things, like writting letters, colors, numbers and the such. 

Ok I am done with the update. Hopeing the week goes fast, the weekend goes slow, and next week goes fast! lol!!  

Update... I wish

There isn't really much to update. I am still waiting for word that our license is done. I contacted our guy a few days ago and he seamed a little piturbed that I contacted him... Hmph.  I was excited at getting our license done maybe by the end of September but it sounds like there is absolutely no possibility of that. He will "shoot for october". Great.... that means most likely end of october.  I am kinda upset that it will be even longer. I hate this waiting game. Some people I have talked to are surprised that we are still waiting for our license completion since we sent our initial interest forms in early april.  I am hoping to relax a little on a trip next week. We are taking a little trip to northern Wisconsin. I am looking forward to it.

Is it better to...

Portray Christ's love through actions to non-believers or to push the word down their throats? That is the question of the night. I am going to try to not poke judgement at anyone, but a few people who may read this will know who I am referencing.

This past weekend we went to a party for Hubby's uncle's birthday. It was a really nice gathering, some people we knew and a lot we didn't. But that was ok.  One family member in particular has a tendency to be preoccupied on converting non-believers.  Now, in general I don't have an issue with trying to convert people to a faith.  But it is one thing to repetitively push down the facts of the bible down peoples throats and tell them that they are going to hell if they don't believe, and another to show christianity  through your actions.

Ok, so maybe I need to give my view of converting people here. And religion in general.  I will freely admit I have back sliden in my beliefs. I am not as strong a christian as I was in college, when I first got saved (or accepted Christ into my heart (whichever one you prefer...)). I know what the bible says about going to hell if your not saved. I also know what the bible says about being a friend to the friend less, helping the helpless and so on.  In my personal view (which some people may not agree with, and I am ok with that... but just hear me out) you can be whatever faith you want to be. If you believe in a higher power-great! If not, I can help you understand a little more the christian faith, but I don't want to force anyone to believe something. You need to feel it in your heart. Also just because you don't "visually" practice (go to church, etc.) doesn't mean a person doesn't believe.  I have become so much more understanding of people and their faith's over the years.  I personally went from not really knowing whats out there but being raised catholic, going to catholic HS, celebrating catholic "rituals" then going to college and finding out you can have a personal relationship with Christ. Was never taught that in catholic church. In college became "born again" (I don't exactly like that term) and was baptized as an adult into the faith. I have been practicing the bible believing christian faith since then.  But ultimately if you tell me one day that your Jewish or Islamic or Mormon I will say ok and be the best friend I can be to you.

I think the best way to "convert" someone to the faith is to be an example.  To show Christ's immeasurable love. To just be a good person.  I am not sure if this made sense to a lot of people. But this has been on my mind of late.  Also just because it is really hard to enjoy the holidays and such with this person because you can't just celebrate. If it's family gathering time it is "unclean converting time." Which saddens me. Hubby hasn't really been able to just have fun or hang out with this family member because every time we are in the same place with this person it is share the gospel and convert time.  Ok my rant is done.

Status Update: Still Waiting...

Yeah we are still waiting. Havent gotten any calls/emails from our guy asking stuff he forgot. So fingers and toes crossed it is going as it should.  I plan to shoot him an email in a few days asking about status. I dont want to be a pest since he is busy but I also dont want to seem like all of a sudden I'm not as interested. Dunno.

Other news the hubbs and I are planning to take a trip up north - Ladysmith to be exact. I am so excited about it!  I havent been to my old stomping grounds since right before my wedding when we met up with the pastor who was going to do our wedding.  So excited!!! Hoping to meet up with some friends from my college days, but I nothing is planned yet, so who knows. I would be fine just checking out how the town has developed and taking some hikes and stuff.  I am excited but also feel like an ass in some ways.  First off we are leaving the day my cousin in NJ is getting married. We said no to their wedding because it would be to much money for us-easily close to $1000 for plane tickets and resort room rental. Hrmph. I would have loved to go because I am actually closer to those cousins than the rest of my ousins. I went out to his sisters wedding two years ago (also my cousin, obvs!) but the trip was pretty much paid for by my aunt & uncle.  I am sure their wedding will be beautiful though!  My parents are going, since their at the cape now anyhow, so I am sure I will see pics.  One other thing I feel like an ass about is not going to my sil's shower.  I have gone over why I am not going, but at some aspect I feel like a turd for not going.  But  know it would be in my best interest to not go.  So I will be spending one of our last childless weekends enjoying ourselves up north.  That is also when we should get our license hopefully...

Oh also one other thing- we picked up a dresser that Hubby's aunt repainted for us. It is nice! A lot of small drawers and some regular sized drawers. The room is shaping up. Got an "eh ok" lamp from mil. it doesnt match our style or anything in the room really but I feel bad giving it to GW.  She also gave us a cute teddy bear and some other "stuff". I want to get some shelving for the wall to maybe display pictures on and get/do art work for the room walls.  Eventually hubby is going to redo the closet with shelves and stuff, thats down the road though.

Taking the path not traveled

Ok, to start out this is my second time writing this post. Somehow it didn't actually keep the body of the post when I hit publish.

So hubby & I have taken the path not traveled often, or at least it seams that way. The first is that we slept together before we got married. That wasn't to bad on his side. But my side it was a touchy topic. Being raised catholic, that is a no no. Personally my view on living with someone once your engaged is fine, or even in a long term relationship is ok. The other thing we have not taken the beaten path with is buying a condo. Ok so maybe this isn't such a biggie. But it puts in interesting convos about the board or just different aspects that my parents and we had never dealt with before.  The other one is probably obvious: the f2a business.  It is just so different from what so many of our family is used to for building a family.The other thing with this is the things you miss out on. Ok, people who have read the posts two down will say WHAT? Is she a hypocrit? maybe I am.  The things that we are missing most is the people celebrating with you through things like a shower or something.  In some ways I wish we would have a foster parent prep party/shower. Not just because of the gifts (although that is nice) but also the love and encouragement that you receive through those things.  Although I think alot of people would be uneasy if they were invited to such a thing, being new and all to them.  I donno. Maybe my insomnia brain is working overtime or something. I know I didn't fully explain myself with most of these things, if you would like to discuss lemme know.

I'm Level 85!!

Ok, so this may actually not matter to most of you...But I reached lvl 85 in World of Warcraft earlier this week. Thought I'd post a picture of my toon!

9/1/11

Ok so I don't exactly know what to title this post. This post is going to talk about my emotions and how I have been trying to choose happy mental health things over things that drag me down.  More specifically a situation that has come to the forfront. Some people who are reading this will know what I am about to talk about.

I have chosen to not go to my sil's shower because it is mentally very hard for me.  Now I am not doing this with a smile on my face and laughter. I am very sorry that I am not going. But in the end I told her it is in my better interest to not go.

Since finding out we couldn't have kids I have been invited to 3.5 baby showers. This will be the fourth. The half is a gift thing/dinner/end of group party for bible study so it wasn't a true shower.  I have attending two other actual showers. Both were so hard for me.  The first one I totally broke down before the shower even started.  I had to calm myself down and put on a happy face.  The other shower I was fine until the drive home, then I broke down.  Both of those were 8+ months ago.  The dinner/gift thing was a few months back and I was fine because it was not focused on baby. Just a gift presentation.

Some people may say I have not moved on. This is a loss that I don't think I will fully move on from. I have moved on from a lot. I have accepted that this was not my fault, there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. I have moved on from being bitter about people who are pregnant. Moved on for the most part on breaking down when someone announces their pregnancy. I have accepted that this is God's plan for me. I have accepted the sadness that my husband will not be a parent to a bio child of his own. I have really accepted and moved on from a lot of it.

The reason I chose to not to go to showers is because it is a loss of experiences. Shower's are focused all about the baby and the mother and the pregnancy.  And it just reminds me of what I will never have. I will never experience those things.

I will say that I am trying to see the peoples sides. I am trying to see how this may show how I haven't moved on and so on.

I donno, I mean I feel bad for not going but don't I also have a right to protect my heart? Also I do plan to have her over and give her gifts for her little one. Leave a comment below if you have one!

Finished...sorta

This past Tuesday was our last visit with our CW Chris. Well our last until our license is approved. Then there is a monthly visit, pretty much to insure that our house is still a safe environment. They will check smoke detectors, etc.  So now we are back to the waiting part....I hate the waiting parts. At least now I have a contact and will be able to check with him to see what the status is.  Next step is for Chris to write a report based on our home study and submit it for approval to his boss.  He tells us he see's no issue with it passing and us getting approved. He says he is 99.99% sure we will get it.  Great... I am freaking out about that .01%.  I know I shouldn't, but failure is a thing I think about along with everyday things, so why would this be any different.  Other thing that worries me is that he still freaking didn't give us a date of license finalization.  Grrr. He said he will try his hardest to get the report done by the end of September, but he only works three days a week, goes to school and has other couples he is working on home studies for. I am hoping that he gets it done by then. So in recap:

- Signing 100ish papers... Done!
- Home study Meetings...Done!
-State mandated pre-license classes...Done!

Now we just have to wait for the license and final approval and then placement!

-Oh side note for those interested: we did end up saying yes to all races, 0-6 age range and up to to of same gender. We also said moderate on emotional/behavioral and low on physical issues. Mostly due to fact we have stairs and we do not have a very handicap friendly house.  Ok so that should wrap this up!