Happy & a little sad

So as we all know SB is our first placement. As a first placement (and child to begin with) we have ALOT of firsts. First time rolling over, first time smiling when I come to SB, first time standing with support, first time sitting with support, first time in a big boy jumper. You get the idea, a lot of firsts that a mama can be proud of. Well there is a first coming up that scares this adoptive mama. The first visit... with Daddy. I know it will be a long journey if everything works out perfect (which hello, this is child welfare here, not so perfect) These are "evaluation" visits. More so to see if Daddy is serious and to see what skills Daddy needs to work on.  We will see.  I am the type of person where I jump to the worse case scenario. That is where I am now. Oh ok, well I guess we need to deal with the fact that SB is going back to Daddy (again way to early to tell for sure). Or more likely in my case, letting go of the fact that we will probably adopt SB, which again is way to early to tell. I have to say I am more encouraged to work with Daddy after the recent visit from SB's worker.  I am still going to send off photos and we are going to work on a intro letter this weekend for our communication journal!  I am excited for the hopefulness I have now, but I know that could turn around.  So for now I am semi happy about the current visitation that "could" come up next week.  It probably will happen.  I am still trying to take it week and month by week/month.

Smiles to God

So this may be totally random, but here we go!  I have noticed that SB loves to look out the window and will occasionally smile at whatever SB see's.  I have taken to thought that SB is smiling to God. And lately SB has been looking outside and having this serious look of being deep in thought and communication. So now when SB does that I say "Oh are you talking to God? or is God talking to you"  I am loving every minute of SB. Such a gift to our family, even though we know that there will be challenges ahead.

3/25/12

Either I just don't understand some peoples thoughts/reasons, or vice versa.  Today was one such cases. We had a family event to go to. Towards the end of the event I brought out the pictures of SB for people to choose from.  I had still not totally decided what pictures I was going to hold back to give to SB's daddy.  I said that exact phrase when  I laid them out. Well some people just could not get why we are going to give SB's daddy a picture.  I have a hard time explaining that we (maybe mostly I) want to have somewhat of an open line of communication and photos in my mind are part of said open communication.  Pretty much I was starting to get upset when people excessively challenged our thought. I chose to leave the room, and eventually went outside to calm down.  Some family accepted our view and tried to support us.  But no matter what it is our choice, and we will be sending a few photos. We (hubby & I) don't believe that sending a few photos/note will all of a sudden sway a birth parents ability/plans for RU. Maybe I am wrong... I know the classes we have started to attend really recommend a communication journal and pictures for visits to make the whole process more open and have more communication.  I don't know. Hubby wants to talk to SB's worker before we commit to doing the letter. I think he is dreading it in some way, maybe thinking we have to over watch our writing so we don't come off to much adoption oriented.

I think even though we know this will be an ongoing process and will most likely take months/year(s?) to come to an end, many people, including the ones mentioned above think... "oh, SB has been with you for 3 months. SB doesn't know daddy. Don't the courts strive for what's best for SB right now? (um, not so much). It has been three months, SB has bonded (true, but SB is young enough that bonding with anyone who feeds & changes SB will bond at this young age).  Nothing is permanent till it is permanent.  Nothing is for sure until we sign. SB's family right now has to be given the benefit of the doubt. SB's family needs to be given a chance. Yes we have all screwed up royally at one time or another, but we were given a second or third chance.  I don't know what more to say...  I guess my heart is different from many in my family that I ultimately want SB to be loved and treated as SB should. I want what is best for SB.  And for right now (and maybe forever) SB would be best with us, but only time will tell.

palm to the face...

Seriously, why do I request info when I want to smack myself for asking when I get the news... Sent a heads up email to SB's worker. Asked anything new with visits. Yes um we have to do this than that and will deff keep you in the loop (shortened for confidentiality reasons).....great...   I guess I don't know how to deal with the negative for us parts of SB's case, and to many, the thing may not sound like much, but it is big for me right now. So we will see how this all goes... God I know it is confidential but a little more info would be awesome... thanks- from the mama taking care of SB.

SO I tried to suffice my glum mood by signing up for adoptuskids.org (?). Part of it seriously made me laugh.  They have to verify you actually have your home study-which we do...but they need to contact your worker to verify. Great-I don't think I will be hearing back in the 5-7 business days that my account was approved...the man does not get back to me with anything now in less than a month. Yes I did just say a month... Well I just gotta keep my spirits up.  We knew SB may or may not be a permanent placement, but these little things seam to effect my heart and I get somewhat emotional the longer he is with us.  Gah--I just need to let it go. Give it to God.  And as my wall says "He will bring us through it because He brought us to it"

Status Unknown

We are still in a holding pattern in regards to SB's future. And will be for a while.  I am looking forward (odly enough) to SB's permanency hearing in a few months.  Nothing is moving fast, which I knew would be the case, but one would think if one would want their child back they would move heaven & earth to get said child back-maybe I am wrong? Maybe people have different priorities?  I don't know.  

Today I did get somewhat sad news regarding SB's progress... lets just say SB will be getting continued development monitoring-although she kept reassuring me that I am doing everything fine and to not worry, they just have to make it sound worse/nit picky so SB qualifies...

So yeah that is about were SB is now. I am looking forward to Easter and being able to celebrate it with SB.  I am looking somewhat future forward as I believe as of right now he will be here till at least permanency hearing, but at the same time trying to not look to far into the future and to value every day/moment with SB.  Just in the few short months that SB has been with us, SB has grown and changed so much.  I appreciate the time God has given to us with this little one.  It sure has changed our life.

We shall see...aka... this is interesting...

So SB's worker came by for the scheduled visit. And again goes into that dad wants visits. I knew this would probably happen and doesn't mean he is leaving us...but I am just not knowing how or what to feel.  In one side of my head I am rolling around thoughts of what the heck do I pack for visits-although thanks to previous advice from a friend I have an idea.  Then comes the what the whoey do I write for our intro for our communication journal?   On the other more scarier side... does this mean dad may clean up his act and get SB back? Does dad love SB the way a daddy should?  And last kinda funny thing that I think most foster parents deal with... ok great, now I gotta figure out & distinguish daddy(bio) to dada/papa (hubby) more often with SB.   I know I over worry about this, but it is hard for me not to.  We know dad may not continue visits for very long... or he may just see what a beautiful child SB is & decide to put SB first in his life.  I guess we just have to wait and see and pray. At least SB will be with us for a while still.  Since SB's long term-ness with us is unknown I have been thinking more and more of having a half birthday for SB-so we can at least celebrate some version of a birthday with him... and if SB is here until the real bday great, then another party!

Oh, way back to original topic, I will be transporting, so it shouldn't be so so bad for SB when he has stranger anxiety, and we can build some sort of brief relationship through hand off of SB. But also maybe I am just trying to think positive of the visits that dad is entitled to.  Who knows.. just keeps us all & SB's family lifted up in prayer-we would appreciate it :)