That's not how the song goes?!! Ah well, that's how I'm feeling now. We got another letter in the mail. Lets just say this shit got real y'all! Ok, I really need to watch my language. We will get a call in about a week to schedule a time for a "Licensing Specialist" to come meet with us (aka home study) and start the process. So I had already had a list of what we need to do, but now the list went into gear! Also I have been trying super hard to implement lists into my daily life since I am currently unemployed/housewife/whatever and slacking on the general house upkeep. So this post will kinda cover two topics.
So I absolutely hate cleaning, hate it. Ok I guess I am ok with dusting, but vaccuuming and moping and floor sweeping are so yuck in my book... Anyone who has come to my house would probably say "Oh her house was clean," but little did they know it takes me about 8 hours for the deep clean that i do before I have anyone over. Now don't take this as I am a slob and sit in my own flth, no I don't do that, but I often don't dust, vacuum, mop, ect until it is absolutely necessarily. I am a casual person and actually enjoy and am comfy in the lived in environment. Although I must admit our condo looks pretty nice when the cobwebs are gone and the clutter is put away!
So, I know the week is half over, but I have made a list of stuff I/we Need/want to do this week! It will be hard to get it done since the hubbs has after hours work today and tommorow, but here is my list, not all is in prep for the home study but enough of it is!!
-Clean up Master BR, seriously lets get it clean already...
-Finish painting closet of 2nd BR (closet doors, wall, ceiling too...)
-Put 2nd BR back in order(clean up paint & put tools away)
-Clean bathroom closet & go through meds to get rid of expireds, ect.
-Clean Bathroom drawers out (same as above)
-Put kiddie locks on cabs & drawers in bath
-Kiddie locks on half bath too
-Install at least one of the smoke/CO alarms (2nd br one)
-Design two more cards for etsy store that I WILL OPEN THIS SUMMER!
-Clean up LR & DR (dust & vac) have hubby vac couch & blinds (again... those dang cats)
-Clean up FR, put clutter away
-Make appt for cats to go to vet, make sure updated on vaccines. Call new vet... (oh yeah and get em registered with the city)
Ok, so that is a pretty intensive list! But I can and will do it! I know we don't need the place with everything we need in place yet, but eventually. And the cleaning will be in prep for our party too! I am excited that we keep moving on in the process for F2A. It is kinda scary at the same time, I mean I really am serious with the above comment about shit getting real. So if our application is deemed complete by the CSSW we will begin the long and probable hard journey to become parents! There are alot of things I wonder about now about if our application is deemed complete. Do they contact our references before they set up the next step? Do they look at your finances and have a preset decision no matter how much you do/dont make? do they predetermine if they want to pursue your application if you have mental health issues in your past? I am such a worry wart, I just need to let it go to God and let him deal with it. It is SOO much easier said than done.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Faith and Eqaulity
Ok, so I'm probably going to tick some people off, be fair warned. I have been thinking about this lately. I follow a group called Give a Damn. If you have heard nothing about them check out their website here. They are trying to campaign for LGTB equality, wich I feel is so important. Ok, so I suppose I should share my view on the whole LGBT thing. Obviously I am in support. I support their goal for equality, for their goal of stopping sexuality based hate crimes, their goal of just implementing acceptance among others, and the last thing I support their goal of getting marriage equality. Um, yes I know that will come as a surprise to some, but that is what I believe.
I don't think just LGBT equality is important, but equality in general. We as christians are called to love one another as Christ loves us. So that means we are to love the gays, lesbians, african american, asian, really anyone in our world no matter shape, color, ethnicity, gender or sexual orientation. I know the bible says that marriage is only between one man and one women, but at the same time God created these people. So I struggle with the fact that God only called men and women to marry. So a loving God would create these people, nurture these people, has a plan for these peoples lives, but say "I am sorry, but I don't love you enough to let you marry your heart, your true love." How can a loving God do that/say that? I don't know, I think some of the context of what is said in the bible should be either looked at with current lenses or something along those lines. I mean I read recently about Jacob who had two wives. Really how is having two wives ok but marrying the same gender not ok in God's eyes?
So needless to say I am in support of New York and them passing the marriage equality act. Also this blog really came out of a thing a friend said to me a while ago, it got me to think and actually agree that what he is saying was true for a lot of christians. He said that he doesn't follow a faith, and never will because they are just a bunch of hypocritical people. They read the good book, listen to the preachers and what do they do? They act like they are better than you, and they go against what they read and are taught. Ok so he may be a little out there, but the fact is we as a christian group do not exactly stick to what we read and are taught. It is because of our free will or sinful flesh. So what are your thoughts?
I don't think just LGBT equality is important, but equality in general. We as christians are called to love one another as Christ loves us. So that means we are to love the gays, lesbians, african american, asian, really anyone in our world no matter shape, color, ethnicity, gender or sexual orientation. I know the bible says that marriage is only between one man and one women, but at the same time God created these people. So I struggle with the fact that God only called men and women to marry. So a loving God would create these people, nurture these people, has a plan for these peoples lives, but say "I am sorry, but I don't love you enough to let you marry your heart, your true love." How can a loving God do that/say that? I don't know, I think some of the context of what is said in the bible should be either looked at with current lenses or something along those lines. I mean I read recently about Jacob who had two wives. Really how is having two wives ok but marrying the same gender not ok in God's eyes?
So needless to say I am in support of New York and them passing the marriage equality act. Also this blog really came out of a thing a friend said to me a while ago, it got me to think and actually agree that what he is saying was true for a lot of christians. He said that he doesn't follow a faith, and never will because they are just a bunch of hypocritical people. They read the good book, listen to the preachers and what do they do? They act like they are better than you, and they go against what they read and are taught. Ok so he may be a little out there, but the fact is we as a christian group do not exactly stick to what we read and are taught. It is because of our free will or sinful flesh. So what are your thoughts?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The Burning House
Ok, so you may read that and be like - What?? It is a project or blog or whatever you want to call it were you grab the things you would grab if your house was burning down, material things that is. Based on that fact alone it isn't great-focusing on material things. My photo is rather crapsicle like, so no critiquing artsy people!! I don't have any photolights and I tried to tweak my photo in photoshop. It is better, but not great. Ok so here it is.
So my burning house things are these:
1. Wedding album - need I say more??
2. Laptop - my life is on here, literally. It has most of my current photos and some of my recent digi scrap projects.
3. External Hard Drive - Um this I would totally be lost without. I have been backing this up onto DVD's because when this puppy dies I will be so sad. Literally all my photos from my childhood are on this thing. Also all my older digi scrap files are on this along with older digi scrap projects and samples for that graphics design/etsy store I may or may not ever open...
4. SLR camera - I love this guy. I haven't gotten out this year to take pics on it, but when I do I love it. Although I am not a great photographer I do like to waste a day taking pictures of nature and other interesting things. Totally want to upgrade to a digital SLR, but that will have to wait. The SLR is a Canon Rebel EOS, with a standard lens (cant think of the measurements at this time!)
5. Bible - yes that flowered book is actually a bible. I would either grab that one or my big cross reference bible. It should be rather obvious why I would grab it.
6. My nook - although I put this in the picture I am not so sure i would actually grab it. Partially because I am planning to upgrade to a tablet, and thusly eliminating the need for the nook. But the other thing is I haven't read many ebooks lately, I have read alot more paperback books lately. But for realsies thinking about upgrading to a tablet-and no not an Ipad. I don't want to be limited, so I am thinking and android based tablet. Ok enough here about that, since that was rather off topic! :)
7. Oh the last thing in the picture, wich would be extremely hard for me to forget, ever, are my engagement ring and wedding band. Yes they are pretty and glitzy, but they are more special than that. They are a sign of my love & commitment to my husband.
Ok, so that is my burning house list, whats yours?? share in comments! Check out were I got the idea from here!
So my burning house things are these:1. Wedding album - need I say more??
2. Laptop - my life is on here, literally. It has most of my current photos and some of my recent digi scrap projects.
3. External Hard Drive - Um this I would totally be lost without. I have been backing this up onto DVD's because when this puppy dies I will be so sad. Literally all my photos from my childhood are on this thing. Also all my older digi scrap files are on this along with older digi scrap projects and samples for that graphics design/etsy store I may or may not ever open...
4. SLR camera - I love this guy. I haven't gotten out this year to take pics on it, but when I do I love it. Although I am not a great photographer I do like to waste a day taking pictures of nature and other interesting things. Totally want to upgrade to a digital SLR, but that will have to wait. The SLR is a Canon Rebel EOS, with a standard lens (cant think of the measurements at this time!)
5. Bible - yes that flowered book is actually a bible. I would either grab that one or my big cross reference bible. It should be rather obvious why I would grab it.
6. My nook - although I put this in the picture I am not so sure i would actually grab it. Partially because I am planning to upgrade to a tablet, and thusly eliminating the need for the nook. But the other thing is I haven't read many ebooks lately, I have read alot more paperback books lately. But for realsies thinking about upgrading to a tablet-and no not an Ipad. I don't want to be limited, so I am thinking and android based tablet. Ok enough here about that, since that was rather off topic! :)
7. Oh the last thing in the picture, wich would be extremely hard for me to forget, ever, are my engagement ring and wedding band. Yes they are pretty and glitzy, but they are more special than that. They are a sign of my love & commitment to my husband.
Ok, so that is my burning house list, whats yours?? share in comments! Check out were I got the idea from here!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
So Long Insecurity...
...You've been a bad friend. This is a book I am reading. I decided to join some women from our church for a book club. We are going through this book - VERY slowly. But that's ok, it gets me to think about and focus more on what I am reading instead of flying through to get the story. Ok, so warning... this is a christian book, so duh I will be talking about my faith in this post. Leave now if your not interested!!
Ok, so you were warned!! Our first session we discussed the intro through chapter four. I am not normally an under-liner, but this book I did a little bit. These are things that hit me-like oh yeah I do that, or oh yeah I can relate. One of the first things I could relate to was Beth talking about that "We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable, beautiful, desirable, and worthy of notice." Um I read that and thought - crap I do that... a lot. The guy in my situation is hubby. I look to him to tell me I am beautiful, desirable and worthy. A Lot. We have gotten into arguments about it even. Not good, but true. That totally smacked me in the face. I need to find value and beauty in my self even if hubby doesn't say it. It also is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that in God's eyes I am beautiful, worthy, desirable. It I guess is hard for me to think that any body-not just God see's me as these things. I don't see it in myself a lot of times (Ok, who am I kidding... most of the times), so how can someone else.
So while reading this book I knew I was insecure, I knew I wasn't one of the people Beth mentioned that they have to wonder if they really are insecure. No I know I am, they why I don't exactly know. Anyhow the next section I underlined was part of her definition of insecurity. She wrote: Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt-- a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate. The sentence about the insecure women is me. Granted the fear is not constant to say the least, but it is there. I fear rejection like no body I know. That is why I am shy, that is why I don't step out "In faith." I chose to keep to myself for fear of being rejected by a friend. I chose to not make many friends or to take a LONG time to warm up to someone because of fear of rejection. At times it is annoying - I choose the perceived safer route while really I'm isolating myself.
Another part in chapter four was really interesting to me. It was her talking about prominent false positives. It is what we think when we say something. Like, your so skinny, you look great! False positive: weight loss would make me more secure. There are others listed in the book about job security, financial security and a few others. This was another "crap I do that" situation. I do/have think that if i were skinny I would be more secure in myself. I have kinda blogged about that before here.
This has been an interesting book. And I know I should/need to be reading this right now. There have been a number of things that I having reading that renew what I am reading. Some examples is this blog - alot of her posts spoke to me, especially her first few recent posts. Um hello can you say GOD?? Another thing came from Proverbs 31 facebook page. It was mentioned by a women at church in a bible study that she gets these little inspireing snippits through her email with bible verses and she had mentioned proverbs 31, well I looked em up and signed up for the daily emails a few days later. Today I found em on FB and "liked" them. Well I log on later to check out things and what do I see posted by them Want to overcome self-doubt and live in the security of God's promises instead? As you read Psalm 37:23-24, insert your name in the blanks: “The steps of ____________ are established by the Lord, and He delights in ____________ way. When ____________ falls, __________ will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds ________ hand.” Yeah, perfect again God! I am looking forward to reading more of this book and writting more about it. But literally it will be a slow go-we are reading and discussing this book over three months, which I guess is good, it lets people read other things and do other things. I wonder/hope they will continue after we are done with this book, I like the low key enviro of meeting at peoples houses, I would even host - that is if people would want to drive all the way out to us! :) We apperantly live the farthest away from the church out of everyone, just a half hour. Not bad in my book, used to drive about 45 minutes one way to church in college. Ok well I am off to read more. I am also reading "Half Broke Horses"
The lines quoted in the book can be found on page 7, 17, & 38. The book is So Long Insecurity, You've been a bad friend to us By Beth Moore. You can buy it on amazon!
Ok, so you were warned!! Our first session we discussed the intro through chapter four. I am not normally an under-liner, but this book I did a little bit. These are things that hit me-like oh yeah I do that, or oh yeah I can relate. One of the first things I could relate to was Beth talking about that "We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable, beautiful, desirable, and worthy of notice." Um I read that and thought - crap I do that... a lot. The guy in my situation is hubby. I look to him to tell me I am beautiful, desirable and worthy. A Lot. We have gotten into arguments about it even. Not good, but true. That totally smacked me in the face. I need to find value and beauty in my self even if hubby doesn't say it. It also is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that in God's eyes I am beautiful, worthy, desirable. It I guess is hard for me to think that any body-not just God see's me as these things. I don't see it in myself a lot of times (Ok, who am I kidding... most of the times), so how can someone else.
So while reading this book I knew I was insecure, I knew I wasn't one of the people Beth mentioned that they have to wonder if they really are insecure. No I know I am, they why I don't exactly know. Anyhow the next section I underlined was part of her definition of insecurity. She wrote: Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt-- a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate. The sentence about the insecure women is me. Granted the fear is not constant to say the least, but it is there. I fear rejection like no body I know. That is why I am shy, that is why I don't step out "In faith." I chose to keep to myself for fear of being rejected by a friend. I chose to not make many friends or to take a LONG time to warm up to someone because of fear of rejection. At times it is annoying - I choose the perceived safer route while really I'm isolating myself.
Another part in chapter four was really interesting to me. It was her talking about prominent false positives. It is what we think when we say something. Like, your so skinny, you look great! False positive: weight loss would make me more secure. There are others listed in the book about job security, financial security and a few others. This was another "crap I do that" situation. I do/have think that if i were skinny I would be more secure in myself. I have kinda blogged about that before here.
This has been an interesting book. And I know I should/need to be reading this right now. There have been a number of things that I having reading that renew what I am reading. Some examples is this blog - alot of her posts spoke to me, especially her first few recent posts. Um hello can you say GOD?? Another thing came from Proverbs 31 facebook page. It was mentioned by a women at church in a bible study that she gets these little inspireing snippits through her email with bible verses and she had mentioned proverbs 31, well I looked em up and signed up for the daily emails a few days later. Today I found em on FB and "liked" them. Well I log on later to check out things and what do I see posted by them Want to overcome self-doubt and live in the security of God's promises instead? As you read Psalm 37:23-24, insert your name in the blanks: “The steps of ____________ are established by the Lord, and He delights in ____________ way. When ____________ falls, __________ will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds ________ hand.” Yeah, perfect again God! I am looking forward to reading more of this book and writting more about it. But literally it will be a slow go-we are reading and discussing this book over three months, which I guess is good, it lets people read other things and do other things. I wonder/hope they will continue after we are done with this book, I like the low key enviro of meeting at peoples houses, I would even host - that is if people would want to drive all the way out to us! :) We apperantly live the farthest away from the church out of everyone, just a half hour. Not bad in my book, used to drive about 45 minutes one way to church in college. Ok well I am off to read more. I am also reading "Half Broke Horses"
The lines quoted in the book can be found on page 7, 17, & 38. The book is So Long Insecurity, You've been a bad friend to us By Beth Moore. You can buy it on amazon!
Monday, June 20, 2011
6/20/11
So I am not exactly sure were this post is going. A few things I wanted to talk about.
So first off, we completed our second set of paperwork. It took us a surprisingly long to do it. It was not anything to hard, we just have been busy lately with stuff and hubby has had a lot of overtime (yeah!) so we haven't had much time to sit down together and look over finances and figure out who we have life insurance through and all that fun-ish stuff. We also had to get references for this paperwork. I was happy with the out poring of love we got from those we asked with a resounding yes from everyone!! So we have more references than we need, but I figure it could be good to have more instead of not enough. Also a good thing-the return envie had an attn:name!! Woot woot! we aren't just sending it to the wind-an actual person is receiving this and processing it.
These past few weeks hubby and I have started to work on redoing our second bedroom and I have made lists of stuff that we need to buy/get. Things like a dresser for one, a night stand maybe? A closet organization system or some sort of toy storage is on the list to, but then I think of something I haven't thought of a lot until I read a fellow friend who is also pursuing a foster license to adopt. She blogged about not taking the big steps like painting or buying clothes/baby stuff/toys until they are approved. She talked about the possibility of being rejected. It kinda kit me in the head like, oh yeah... we could actually get rejected. There are two big reasons that stand out in my head why we could get rejected. Um, money is numero uno... Granted we are not in the poor house, we are not on welfare, we are able to put food on the table and generally buy most things we want-erm ok maybe not the DSLR I have been drooling over or the new computer for hubby with the newest video card for gaming. Those are things you save for. Those are things we save for. But with me being a failure ( ok I guess I wont go there...) and not having a job we don't exactly make a lot. We make enough to get by, and we have learned to be ok with that. I do want to get a job, and hopefully at some point I will, but also if/when we get a placement I am probably going to stay at home until their in school. So ok, that cover's number one, number two is my previous emotional health. This one kinda scares me more than the money thing - hubby's big concern is the money. I have been treated on two seperate occations for depression. One was in and around middle school the other was more recent. It was around the time I got married. So I am scared that affects our chance at getting our license. I guess it is in God's hands at this point and He knows what is best.
Ok another thing. And this is super brief, I know I talk a lot about God and my beliefs, and I am sorry if I offend anyone with my beliefs.
Also I was talking with a group of people lately about how crazy some of the restrictions are that you have to do for passing a home study/home inspection. Granted I totally see where they are coming from in asking all this stuff, they are looking out only for the child they place with you. So part of our room remodel included buying carbon monoxide alarms, smoke alarms, electrical out pluggy things, drawer locks and cabinet locks. But not only that we have to get a fire escape ladder eventually (possible for both bed rooms). We also have to go through our basement and do a little organizing so that we can place hubby's toys (saws) high so they are unreachable by little ones. But not just the saftey stuff. There are tons of questions that are probing and a normal couple having a child do not have to do anything along those lines. At times it feels sad/hard that we and many others who so dearly want to start a family have to go through the most hoops and rig a maroll. Sometimes it just is tiring to look at people who have kids and treat the kids with no respect and thinking about if they had to go through what we have to to start a family either they would not start a family or the county would take their kids right away. Ok I know I ended on a gloomy note but that is just something I think about at times.
So first off, we completed our second set of paperwork. It took us a surprisingly long to do it. It was not anything to hard, we just have been busy lately with stuff and hubby has had a lot of overtime (yeah!) so we haven't had much time to sit down together and look over finances and figure out who we have life insurance through and all that fun-ish stuff. We also had to get references for this paperwork. I was happy with the out poring of love we got from those we asked with a resounding yes from everyone!! So we have more references than we need, but I figure it could be good to have more instead of not enough. Also a good thing-the return envie had an attn:name!! Woot woot! we aren't just sending it to the wind-an actual person is receiving this and processing it.
These past few weeks hubby and I have started to work on redoing our second bedroom and I have made lists of stuff that we need to buy/get. Things like a dresser for one, a night stand maybe? A closet organization system or some sort of toy storage is on the list to, but then I think of something I haven't thought of a lot until I read a fellow friend who is also pursuing a foster license to adopt. She blogged about not taking the big steps like painting or buying clothes/baby stuff/toys until they are approved. She talked about the possibility of being rejected. It kinda kit me in the head like, oh yeah... we could actually get rejected. There are two big reasons that stand out in my head why we could get rejected. Um, money is numero uno... Granted we are not in the poor house, we are not on welfare, we are able to put food on the table and generally buy most things we want-erm ok maybe not the DSLR I have been drooling over or the new computer for hubby with the newest video card for gaming. Those are things you save for. Those are things we save for. But with me being a failure ( ok I guess I wont go there...) and not having a job we don't exactly make a lot. We make enough to get by, and we have learned to be ok with that. I do want to get a job, and hopefully at some point I will, but also if/when we get a placement I am probably going to stay at home until their in school. So ok, that cover's number one, number two is my previous emotional health. This one kinda scares me more than the money thing - hubby's big concern is the money. I have been treated on two seperate occations for depression. One was in and around middle school the other was more recent. It was around the time I got married. So I am scared that affects our chance at getting our license. I guess it is in God's hands at this point and He knows what is best.
Ok another thing. And this is super brief, I know I talk a lot about God and my beliefs, and I am sorry if I offend anyone with my beliefs.
Also I was talking with a group of people lately about how crazy some of the restrictions are that you have to do for passing a home study/home inspection. Granted I totally see where they are coming from in asking all this stuff, they are looking out only for the child they place with you. So part of our room remodel included buying carbon monoxide alarms, smoke alarms, electrical out pluggy things, drawer locks and cabinet locks. But not only that we have to get a fire escape ladder eventually (possible for both bed rooms). We also have to go through our basement and do a little organizing so that we can place hubby's toys (saws) high so they are unreachable by little ones. But not just the saftey stuff. There are tons of questions that are probing and a normal couple having a child do not have to do anything along those lines. At times it feels sad/hard that we and many others who so dearly want to start a family have to go through the most hoops and rig a maroll. Sometimes it just is tiring to look at people who have kids and treat the kids with no respect and thinking about if they had to go through what we have to to start a family either they would not start a family or the county would take their kids right away. Ok I know I ended on a gloomy note but that is just something I think about at times.
Friday, June 17, 2011
It's a sign...
So a while back I posted how I had heard some news that I should be happy about, but instead was hurt to the core about. Well I can talk a little more about it because the couple made it public. As you can well enough guess they announced they were pregnant. When they announced it I tried so hard to put on a happy face, it was hard, let me tell you. We had an awkward exit from their house. I was about to break down but was to embarrassed to do it in front on them, so hubbs and I did a weird back and forth are we ready to leave thing. The couple that is pregnant is my brother in law and his wife. They are as deserving as any for a child, she especially ranks higher on the deserving list in my mind, she has fought and won the battle against breast cancer. It was just so hard, and really I still can't quite find the words for why I was upset. It had alot to do with obvious feelings of "why not me" (I've covered that before) and the general loss of not having the first grandkid. Their child will be the first grandkid in hubbys family and I think on her side to.
Ok, so you have the background, so now the reason for this post. A week ago we went to a retirement party for the hubby's dad. We (erm .. ok I) didn't know many people there. The boys knew of alot of the people there -mostly old co workers and some relatives of dad-in-law. We chose to sit with the bil & sil (brother/sister in law) and had a good time conversing with them and a few other people. But a big surprise even to myself was the words coming out of my mouth. I was talking with my sil about all things... baby stuff... most specifically her baby. And I wasn't emotional... at all. I was actually happy for her. It is so a sign that I have finally started to move on past the hurt that I have held on to.
For those of you that knew/know talking about the baby and hearing about someone being pregnant and baby showers were the hardest for me. So yeah, there is no way I am going to her shower (sorry sil if you read this) and I can't promise I wont have a melt down when I find out someone is preggo, but at least I can claim that I was happy for someone who I normally wouldnt have been happy for. I can't wait to meet their little munchkin, alas I will have to wait till christmas! lol!!
God has been working in me a lot lately regarding jealousy. I have struggled with jealousy a lot through the years. There are a lot of reasons why, but they aren't that important right now. I am trying to learn (and remember) to be happy with what I have. God has a plan, and will provide what we need, just gotta trust in him.
Ok, so you have the background, so now the reason for this post. A week ago we went to a retirement party for the hubby's dad. We (erm .. ok I) didn't know many people there. The boys knew of alot of the people there -mostly old co workers and some relatives of dad-in-law. We chose to sit with the bil & sil (brother/sister in law) and had a good time conversing with them and a few other people. But a big surprise even to myself was the words coming out of my mouth. I was talking with my sil about all things... baby stuff... most specifically her baby. And I wasn't emotional... at all. I was actually happy for her. It is so a sign that I have finally started to move on past the hurt that I have held on to.
For those of you that knew/know talking about the baby and hearing about someone being pregnant and baby showers were the hardest for me. So yeah, there is no way I am going to her shower (sorry sil if you read this) and I can't promise I wont have a melt down when I find out someone is preggo, but at least I can claim that I was happy for someone who I normally wouldnt have been happy for. I can't wait to meet their little munchkin, alas I will have to wait till christmas! lol!!
God has been working in me a lot lately regarding jealousy. I have struggled with jealousy a lot through the years. There are a lot of reasons why, but they aren't that important right now. I am trying to learn (and remember) to be happy with what I have. God has a plan, and will provide what we need, just gotta trust in him.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Having to Choose
...friends or family. It shouldn't be a choice someone has to make. No matter how bad a person is perceived to be by family they should not have the last word on your friendship. This has been on my mind these last few days along with some other posts. I am planning a party and due to an issue that arose from a friend and my family I am not able to invite my friend. I was not able to invite this person last year either. Those who know the situation have their views on it, and please if you read this please keep them to yourself, I am not writing this to piss people off, I am writting this to tell how I feel about having to choose.
This friend and I became friends in a semi odd way. She knew me from the time i was 5 or 8 on. She worked for my dad. She was an adult and chose to be nice and friendly to a kid. A kid who trusted this person with thoughts and a friendship developed over the years. She is also the one taught me to drive, btw. Not my mom or dad, but her.
So this all came about shortly after a dispute that I don't know the whole details of, don't want to go into now since they aren't to important at this point. Anyhow a dispute happened and my friend was no longer at my dad's company. This was almost two years ago I think. So then I was conversing with said friend publicly on FB and got into trouble because of someone reporting me. (That's a whole different topic for a different day...) Anyhow this started a big family flair up, everyone against me being friends with this person. I was even "threatened" with having to choose between a friend or family. That just got me angrier, what right do my family have to say who I am friends with? I don't choose who they are friends with, no matter how bad they are for them. Maybe I am looking at the situation with blinders or something, but I don't see how this friend is such a horrible person that my family makes her out to be. Yes, granted what I know of the "situation" neither side was to nice to each other, but a friend is a friend no matter what in my book. Unless they do something so horrible so unforgivable. I don't have many friends and I value the few that I do have.
Ugh, ok I am done rambling. This post came after a day of making invites for our big summer party and remembering that I can't invite this person because it will cause family crazies, and it made me sad.
This friend and I became friends in a semi odd way. She knew me from the time i was 5 or 8 on. She worked for my dad. She was an adult and chose to be nice and friendly to a kid. A kid who trusted this person with thoughts and a friendship developed over the years. She is also the one taught me to drive, btw. Not my mom or dad, but her.
So this all came about shortly after a dispute that I don't know the whole details of, don't want to go into now since they aren't to important at this point. Anyhow a dispute happened and my friend was no longer at my dad's company. This was almost two years ago I think. So then I was conversing with said friend publicly on FB and got into trouble because of someone reporting me. (That's a whole different topic for a different day...) Anyhow this started a big family flair up, everyone against me being friends with this person. I was even "threatened" with having to choose between a friend or family. That just got me angrier, what right do my family have to say who I am friends with? I don't choose who they are friends with, no matter how bad they are for them. Maybe I am looking at the situation with blinders or something, but I don't see how this friend is such a horrible person that my family makes her out to be. Yes, granted what I know of the "situation" neither side was to nice to each other, but a friend is a friend no matter what in my book. Unless they do something so horrible so unforgivable. I don't have many friends and I value the few that I do have.
Ugh, ok I am done rambling. This post came after a day of making invites for our big summer party and remembering that I can't invite this person because it will cause family crazies, and it made me sad.
Monday, June 6, 2011
My Story
This is my attempt to give the reader a brief-ish overview of life events that shaped me to be the person I am. Because of this, this post will be very personal and cover some touchy topics (maybe). Please read and respect my story as that. my story. This is also my third attempt at writting/starting this post. I don't exactly have a way to tie everything together, so it will be a bulleted list of sorts. I have been thinking about this blog for a while, not many people know the whole me. Hubby is probably one of the few, others know important bits, but not the whole story. Ok so here we go !!
-Igrew up in a nice neighborhood. Some different things about my childhood are, that my mother was a work aholic (no joke on this one), and that I had a dad who was paralyzed. The paralyzed dad thing never through me for a loop, it was something I grew up with, he was that way when I was born, he is still that way. Because of this there were some awkward times. The father daughter dances with girl scouts were always a little odd, but my dad tried his best. The other awkward dance that I remember was the father daughter dance at my wedding. I had a song picked out, but the decision to "dance" or "sway" together hadn't really been decided until minutes before the "dance" was supposed to happen. It was special in it's own way, but awkward as well. Everyone looking at you, and also my dad let my niece join in... but it was special in it's own way. My dad is actually a pretty cool dude, he surprisingly does a lot of things a non para person does. He drives, owns a business, golfs, other things! He became a paraplegic from a body surfing accident that happened in Cape Cod. Yes that Cape Cod that our family goes to on a yearly basis still :)
-I have a rare/weird medical issue that I was born with. I was born with panhypopituitaryism... thats a big word! :) Basically it means I don't have a working pituitary, so thusly have to take meds to replace the hormones that are controlled by your pituitary. But that wasn't the end of it. It is believed that because my pituitary didn't grow right, it caused a mid line deformity, causing things like dislocated hips as an infant (I didn't learn to walk until I was 3), knock knees, slipped epiphis, and cranial deformities. The thinking on the mid line was that the hip and knee issues were all on the same side, it could also have been just a fluke that they were on the same side. Oh and non medical talk for all you, slipped epiphis is ball of hip joint slipping out of socket, I was in 7th grade when I had corrective surgery for that. The knock knee surgeries were when I was in 8th grade I think. My first cranial surgery was when I was in 7th grade as well. That surgery corrected my jaw, corrected my nose and my eyebrows. The last two were a little on the vanity side for me, but what did I know at 13 or 14. I had another cranial surgery to repair my nose again and to try again at the eye lids. I had droopy eye lids that were believed to obstruct my vision somewhat. I think looking back, these surgeries somewhat attributed to my low self worth. The belief that oh this is wrong with you, so lets correct it type of thing. As a result of me trying to learn who I was, I turned down the opertunity to have another surgery and further teeth/jaw correction. I am fine the way I am and sometimes wish people would accept that. I know they are just trying to help...
-I went to a catholic high school. Ok, well this is a known thing to most people. But the reason I went to said catholic High school was because of a big time bullying problem at the combined middle & high school I went to for middle school. For middle school I went to a public school, and generally enjoyed the classes. There was one person who was relentless on the bullying. It came as far as getting the cops involved on our side and a restraining order, yeah I am serious. But the dad of the kid didn't take it all seriously and had a "boy's will be boys" attitude about the whole situation. It wasn't good, so my parents got me out of there as soon as they could. So from 9th grade on I went to Catholic Memorial HS. While I really enjoyed my time at CMH it wasn't perfect, there was still bullying, there was still the low self esteem, and my massive shyness. But it was a far better environment for me then NB West. I think if I went to school now a days and had to go through the bullying that is around now I don't think I would be living to tell my story. And I am serious on that one. The bullying now is so beyond crazy. Creating I hate so and so FB pages and all this hate that can be done through technology to the point that you can anonymously send it. At the same time, bullying has been around since the beginning of time and it will continue no matter how hard we fight to stop bullying. Only so much can be done.
-I was a girl scout for 12 years. Ok, sorry fellow GS readers who may read this next sentence... But when ever I tell people I have been in scouts for that long I honestly have a "I am such a looser" attitude about it. Seriously in scouts for 12 years, wow you must have had no life. Well, um, yeah, thats why I was in scouts for 12 years... But at the same time I am proud at what I have accomplished and have a lot of fond memories. I still have all my patches (yes people, ALL of them, including the tri its from brownies) and I have all my pins. I gave away the uniform, but the patches are meaningful to me. I need to figure out a nice/not trashy way of displaying them somehow somewhere in my house. I have alot of fond memories from the middle school on years of scouts. I belonged to an awesome troop. It was pretty much run by the girls with input from our leaders. We went on bi annual trips to places in the US. I still remember stories from trips. One example, I was recently telling my hubby about a gs trip I was on where our fearless driver had decided to take a winding road to some monument or something, and well he didn't make it. The bus was to big for the road so he ended up having us all get out and had police escort the bus off the road BACKWARDS. There was no room to turn around on the road, so he had to back up.. Oh and the only He on our trips was the Coach bus driver, yes we rode in style!! :)
-A big scary thing for me to write about comes next. Something only my imediate family know, and the hubbs knows to. I was an emotionally disturbed person in middle and early on in high school. I was classified as "depressed" by my therapist at the time. But that is not what I am sharing in this spot. Because of a lot of issues I struggled with as a teen I thought it best to end it all. I attempted suicide in 9th grade. It was more of a total emotional melt down/refusal to take my pills/refusal to go to school type of suicide attempt. It was hard on the whole family, but at the time it was the only way I could get my family to notice that something wasn't right, and it wasn't all caused by me. As a result of this I was out of school for a few days and of course had the "Big" talk with my parents and the principal at CMH. Yeah that was so beyond not fun, at the time my parents still didn't get why I pulled "the stunt" and at the time I couldn't put the words together to say that I felt alone and hated at that time. I still struggle with feeling of failure, and I blogged about that, but I really felt like a big time failure before and during this stuff. I did find solace in a teacher once I got back to school. I don't know how we connected, I don't remember that, but I do remember going to her office after school and just talking with her. She was my math teacher, so it also helped me! I got some tutoring as well!! :) After 9th grade generally high school was good. Yes it did have it's awkward moments, but everyone does!
-Ok, along the high school parts... I guess I should share some of the basic HS stuff. I went to my senior prom. I was super excited about this. I wasn't dating anyone at the time, but a nephew of a good friend of mine was off after his first year of college at Notre Dame and decided it would be nice to ask me to prom. I was stocked!! Um other than that nothing really fun happened :/ Oh wait, I further felt that the catholic faith wasn't my thing. Which that is a little um awkward being that I had been raised in the catholic faith, got baptized, first communion and reconciliation, and the fact we had catholic services A LOT at school. But not being exposed to anything else I didn't start to know what I believed until I got to college.
Hmm, ok were does my story go from there. Well I went off to college still not happy with my parents. And being that way I went as far away as I could. Being the not so hot grades I had in HS i was somewhat limited. I ended up getting accepted and going to Mt Senario College. Um, don't bother looking it up. It went defunct within a few years of me leaving. Although it was not a super school, it did make me a better/different person. The college was located in Ladysmith WI, about a five hour drive from were I lived, so there was no spur of the moment visits from the fam! It was nice to live sorta on my own for that time. I lived in the dorms with a roommate two of the three years. Being that this was mega rural wisconsin, activities included drinking and drugs. Both of which I did not part take in, at least for the most part, I did go to a few drinking parties, but didn't really drink until I was 21 or almost 21. Call me a goody two shoes or whatever. I am smarter than that. My first roomie regularly smoked pot in our room, needless to say I did not spend much time in my room. In college I also met some people who I am still fairly close to to this day. Two of these people took me to a different kind of church one day. It was a pentecostal church, very charismatic with their music. I knew that was the church for me after that first sunday. I still had my catholic style of faith-or lack of. It took me a few more sundays to get the guts up to ask about how their faith is different than the Catholic faith. The biggest thing that struck me was they have personal relationships with Christ. Really? What the heck? how is that possible I thought. I was used to the "the preacher was the only person who spoke to God" belief. So I asked more questions and thought about it more. I was about halfway through my freshman year in college when I begain to follow Jesus/acepted Christ/whatever you want to call it. It took a little while longer for me to grow in my relationship with Him. I am still learning, and realized something from a bible study group I went to that Christ still loves us even if we fail. Ok I know that should be a rather obvious thing, but I grew up with "your bad if you sin, you wont get to heaven" type of belief. So it was an aha moment, I had even heard it a few times, but I think the context of what was talked about struck home. Ok so back to Living Faith CHurch (thats the name of the church i went to in college). When I went there I was very active. I went to the young adults bible study, taught the preschool sunday school, and generally enjoyed getting to know people there. I regularly was at church early because one of my friends was in the church band and he didnt have a car, so being the nice person, I went to church with him early alot. So, if you have interest check out their webby! http://www.livingfaithchurchwi.org/ This church will hold a special place in my heart. It was the place I got saved, got baptized as an adult, and the place were I met alot of great people.
After college I met a guy.... we grew up in the same city and actually went to the same church as kids. We met through yahoo personnals. We chatted for a few weeks, he came to visit me while I was working at Jewel Osco, during my break. The running joke is he caused me to miss my only lunch break! Our first real date was to a movie theater in NB and lunch at Fazoli's. I chose to do something, that looking back was stupid. I got in his van and we went together to fazoli's and then back to the theater together for the show. Shortly after, met his mom and went to his house. He grew up in a WAY different environment than I did. He grew up with out having rules or really being told right from wrong, he learned it on his own. So any way our first many dates consisted of usually me going to his house and playing computer games and going out to eat somewhere. We bonded and wanted to move our relationship further than just video games and food. He wrote me lovely poems. I still have em to, and I still bug him for more!! We were out shopping one day and he asked if I wanted to go to a jewelry store. I said sure, and we looked at engagement rings. about a week later he bought one-a custom one at that! I am not a big blingy diamond girl so my main stone is a blue sapphire. Ok, so I guess I should take the not a blingy girl part back, we did recently (about a yearish ago) upgrade my wedding band, its got bling...!! Ok, so he bought the ring, and being the Hubbs, he was SOO nervous. We went to cheesecake factory and he had a lovely little poem that he wrote and gave me the ring. He asked the question, I said yes, but because I had helped pick the ring out I knew it was coming...so it wasn't to much of a surprise. Oh and he even asked my dad for permission! The one thing looking back which i wished he had done, was get on one knee, but that is just little details. So we had told my parents that we were engaged and then the fun (ok, maybe not so much fun... but you get the idea) of planning the wedding. Our biggie issue other than finding a hall and all that was actually finding a church or a hall that was ok with a visiting pastor. I had my heart set on having Pastor Tim (PT for short) come and perform our ceremony. I asked him right away after we got engaged, he said yes he would do it. So then we had to find a hall with a nice chapel like area or a accessible church that would be willing to have PT do our service at their church. At the time Kev and I hadn't really found a home church. Partly due to the fact that Kev was/ is still questioning his faith and I didn't want to push to hard and the other fact that it is really hard for me to find a church that I like. I have gone to a bunch in the area for a couple months each and found one reason or another that I didn't like it. A lot of it was of me not being open minded enough and comparing it to much to LFC. So any how I decided to check out a church that was somewhat close to us. It was small, had good music and a good service. Those were the top three things I remember that I liked about it. I think we went for a few months before we asked about using the church for our service, and the pastor said yes! We were pretty psyched. Then the fun of planning said service/wedding. We ended up also taking a marriage class i guess you call it through one of the giant churches in the area, that was recommended by our Pastor and we also had a few marriage planning/counseling sessions with him before the big day! An interesting thing that came out of planning for our wedding is the vast different tastes that my parents have to what we have. Kev and I look back and would have had a much more casual reception. Yes our wedding was pretty formal, but because I did most of the planning and choosing of things it was more our taste and low keyness. My dress itself was not very fancy due to the fact I didn't want to be all showy. A simple dress with a little embroidery. My girls had really nice dresses-they picked the style themselves, I just chose the color. My flowers were gorgeous, and my favorite Lilacs were in the bouquet (sp?) The reception was way formal, lovely hall, great food, open bar, great dancing. I do have lots of fond memories from our wedding, although it being not exactly our style, it was nice. Ok, I think thats enough about the wedding Sheesh Y'all!!
-Um, going back to our church, we have really enjoyed going there, erm... ok I have, Kevin is a little still on the anti church end, but in his time I am sure he will be ok with it. For a while I did think it was time to move on to a new church, especially after we bought our house. But then I thought, really do I want to go through the process of finding a new church home? I said no, so we still go there. I have chosen to get more involved-or at least more active. We had been doing the tech booth for a few years, and then I started to actively go to the women's group bible study and the women's retreat. I find them really enjoyable, although being the shy one that I am I have an aversion to praying out loud, which is usually ok unless we have a small group.. then I am asked to pray. So I do it but I feel totally awkward, I am no good at praying... really got to work on that. Ok so check out my church's webby! http://www.gocrossroads.net/
So I guess I have pretty much covered my story. I did leave a few minor details out, need to have some secrecy!! :) So I am moving on to the next steps on what God has planned for us. Sometimes it is hard to give my life to Him, but I know it is the best. I guess this kinda relates to letting God lead your life. When we started this whole journey towards starting a family I had originally totally thrown out the idea of going through the foster system. I wanted a baby, still do, but after our info sessions have felt more and more pulled toward F2A. I don't hear God talking to me, but certain situations I know are from God. It is hard for me to explain, I just feel like this is God's plan for us right now.
-Igrew up in a nice neighborhood. Some different things about my childhood are, that my mother was a work aholic (no joke on this one), and that I had a dad who was paralyzed. The paralyzed dad thing never through me for a loop, it was something I grew up with, he was that way when I was born, he is still that way. Because of this there were some awkward times. The father daughter dances with girl scouts were always a little odd, but my dad tried his best. The other awkward dance that I remember was the father daughter dance at my wedding. I had a song picked out, but the decision to "dance" or "sway" together hadn't really been decided until minutes before the "dance" was supposed to happen. It was special in it's own way, but awkward as well. Everyone looking at you, and also my dad let my niece join in... but it was special in it's own way. My dad is actually a pretty cool dude, he surprisingly does a lot of things a non para person does. He drives, owns a business, golfs, other things! He became a paraplegic from a body surfing accident that happened in Cape Cod. Yes that Cape Cod that our family goes to on a yearly basis still :)
-I have a rare/weird medical issue that I was born with. I was born with panhypopituitaryism... thats a big word! :) Basically it means I don't have a working pituitary, so thusly have to take meds to replace the hormones that are controlled by your pituitary. But that wasn't the end of it. It is believed that because my pituitary didn't grow right, it caused a mid line deformity, causing things like dislocated hips as an infant (I didn't learn to walk until I was 3), knock knees, slipped epiphis, and cranial deformities. The thinking on the mid line was that the hip and knee issues were all on the same side, it could also have been just a fluke that they were on the same side. Oh and non medical talk for all you, slipped epiphis is ball of hip joint slipping out of socket, I was in 7th grade when I had corrective surgery for that. The knock knee surgeries were when I was in 8th grade I think. My first cranial surgery was when I was in 7th grade as well. That surgery corrected my jaw, corrected my nose and my eyebrows. The last two were a little on the vanity side for me, but what did I know at 13 or 14. I had another cranial surgery to repair my nose again and to try again at the eye lids. I had droopy eye lids that were believed to obstruct my vision somewhat. I think looking back, these surgeries somewhat attributed to my low self worth. The belief that oh this is wrong with you, so lets correct it type of thing. As a result of me trying to learn who I was, I turned down the opertunity to have another surgery and further teeth/jaw correction. I am fine the way I am and sometimes wish people would accept that. I know they are just trying to help...
-I went to a catholic high school. Ok, well this is a known thing to most people. But the reason I went to said catholic High school was because of a big time bullying problem at the combined middle & high school I went to for middle school. For middle school I went to a public school, and generally enjoyed the classes. There was one person who was relentless on the bullying. It came as far as getting the cops involved on our side and a restraining order, yeah I am serious. But the dad of the kid didn't take it all seriously and had a "boy's will be boys" attitude about the whole situation. It wasn't good, so my parents got me out of there as soon as they could. So from 9th grade on I went to Catholic Memorial HS. While I really enjoyed my time at CMH it wasn't perfect, there was still bullying, there was still the low self esteem, and my massive shyness. But it was a far better environment for me then NB West. I think if I went to school now a days and had to go through the bullying that is around now I don't think I would be living to tell my story. And I am serious on that one. The bullying now is so beyond crazy. Creating I hate so and so FB pages and all this hate that can be done through technology to the point that you can anonymously send it. At the same time, bullying has been around since the beginning of time and it will continue no matter how hard we fight to stop bullying. Only so much can be done.
-I was a girl scout for 12 years. Ok, sorry fellow GS readers who may read this next sentence... But when ever I tell people I have been in scouts for that long I honestly have a "I am such a looser" attitude about it. Seriously in scouts for 12 years, wow you must have had no life. Well, um, yeah, thats why I was in scouts for 12 years... But at the same time I am proud at what I have accomplished and have a lot of fond memories. I still have all my patches (yes people, ALL of them, including the tri its from brownies) and I have all my pins. I gave away the uniform, but the patches are meaningful to me. I need to figure out a nice/not trashy way of displaying them somehow somewhere in my house. I have alot of fond memories from the middle school on years of scouts. I belonged to an awesome troop. It was pretty much run by the girls with input from our leaders. We went on bi annual trips to places in the US. I still remember stories from trips. One example, I was recently telling my hubby about a gs trip I was on where our fearless driver had decided to take a winding road to some monument or something, and well he didn't make it. The bus was to big for the road so he ended up having us all get out and had police escort the bus off the road BACKWARDS. There was no room to turn around on the road, so he had to back up.. Oh and the only He on our trips was the Coach bus driver, yes we rode in style!! :)
-A big scary thing for me to write about comes next. Something only my imediate family know, and the hubbs knows to. I was an emotionally disturbed person in middle and early on in high school. I was classified as "depressed" by my therapist at the time. But that is not what I am sharing in this spot. Because of a lot of issues I struggled with as a teen I thought it best to end it all. I attempted suicide in 9th grade. It was more of a total emotional melt down/refusal to take my pills/refusal to go to school type of suicide attempt. It was hard on the whole family, but at the time it was the only way I could get my family to notice that something wasn't right, and it wasn't all caused by me. As a result of this I was out of school for a few days and of course had the "Big" talk with my parents and the principal at CMH. Yeah that was so beyond not fun, at the time my parents still didn't get why I pulled "the stunt" and at the time I couldn't put the words together to say that I felt alone and hated at that time. I still struggle with feeling of failure, and I blogged about that, but I really felt like a big time failure before and during this stuff. I did find solace in a teacher once I got back to school. I don't know how we connected, I don't remember that, but I do remember going to her office after school and just talking with her. She was my math teacher, so it also helped me! I got some tutoring as well!! :) After 9th grade generally high school was good. Yes it did have it's awkward moments, but everyone does!
-Ok, along the high school parts... I guess I should share some of the basic HS stuff. I went to my senior prom. I was super excited about this. I wasn't dating anyone at the time, but a nephew of a good friend of mine was off after his first year of college at Notre Dame and decided it would be nice to ask me to prom. I was stocked!! Um other than that nothing really fun happened :/ Oh wait, I further felt that the catholic faith wasn't my thing. Which that is a little um awkward being that I had been raised in the catholic faith, got baptized, first communion and reconciliation, and the fact we had catholic services A LOT at school. But not being exposed to anything else I didn't start to know what I believed until I got to college.
Hmm, ok were does my story go from there. Well I went off to college still not happy with my parents. And being that way I went as far away as I could. Being the not so hot grades I had in HS i was somewhat limited. I ended up getting accepted and going to Mt Senario College. Um, don't bother looking it up. It went defunct within a few years of me leaving. Although it was not a super school, it did make me a better/different person. The college was located in Ladysmith WI, about a five hour drive from were I lived, so there was no spur of the moment visits from the fam! It was nice to live sorta on my own for that time. I lived in the dorms with a roommate two of the three years. Being that this was mega rural wisconsin, activities included drinking and drugs. Both of which I did not part take in, at least for the most part, I did go to a few drinking parties, but didn't really drink until I was 21 or almost 21. Call me a goody two shoes or whatever. I am smarter than that. My first roomie regularly smoked pot in our room, needless to say I did not spend much time in my room. In college I also met some people who I am still fairly close to to this day. Two of these people took me to a different kind of church one day. It was a pentecostal church, very charismatic with their music. I knew that was the church for me after that first sunday. I still had my catholic style of faith-or lack of. It took me a few more sundays to get the guts up to ask about how their faith is different than the Catholic faith. The biggest thing that struck me was they have personal relationships with Christ. Really? What the heck? how is that possible I thought. I was used to the "the preacher was the only person who spoke to God" belief. So I asked more questions and thought about it more. I was about halfway through my freshman year in college when I begain to follow Jesus/acepted Christ/whatever you want to call it. It took a little while longer for me to grow in my relationship with Him. I am still learning, and realized something from a bible study group I went to that Christ still loves us even if we fail. Ok I know that should be a rather obvious thing, but I grew up with "your bad if you sin, you wont get to heaven" type of belief. So it was an aha moment, I had even heard it a few times, but I think the context of what was talked about struck home. Ok so back to Living Faith CHurch (thats the name of the church i went to in college). When I went there I was very active. I went to the young adults bible study, taught the preschool sunday school, and generally enjoyed getting to know people there. I regularly was at church early because one of my friends was in the church band and he didnt have a car, so being the nice person, I went to church with him early alot. So, if you have interest check out their webby! http://www.livingfaithchurchwi.org/ This church will hold a special place in my heart. It was the place I got saved, got baptized as an adult, and the place were I met alot of great people.
After college I met a guy.... we grew up in the same city and actually went to the same church as kids. We met through yahoo personnals. We chatted for a few weeks, he came to visit me while I was working at Jewel Osco, during my break. The running joke is he caused me to miss my only lunch break! Our first real date was to a movie theater in NB and lunch at Fazoli's. I chose to do something, that looking back was stupid. I got in his van and we went together to fazoli's and then back to the theater together for the show. Shortly after, met his mom and went to his house. He grew up in a WAY different environment than I did. He grew up with out having rules or really being told right from wrong, he learned it on his own. So any way our first many dates consisted of usually me going to his house and playing computer games and going out to eat somewhere. We bonded and wanted to move our relationship further than just video games and food. He wrote me lovely poems. I still have em to, and I still bug him for more!! We were out shopping one day and he asked if I wanted to go to a jewelry store. I said sure, and we looked at engagement rings. about a week later he bought one-a custom one at that! I am not a big blingy diamond girl so my main stone is a blue sapphire. Ok, so I guess I should take the not a blingy girl part back, we did recently (about a yearish ago) upgrade my wedding band, its got bling...!! Ok, so he bought the ring, and being the Hubbs, he was SOO nervous. We went to cheesecake factory and he had a lovely little poem that he wrote and gave me the ring. He asked the question, I said yes, but because I had helped pick the ring out I knew it was coming...so it wasn't to much of a surprise. Oh and he even asked my dad for permission! The one thing looking back which i wished he had done, was get on one knee, but that is just little details. So we had told my parents that we were engaged and then the fun (ok, maybe not so much fun... but you get the idea) of planning the wedding. Our biggie issue other than finding a hall and all that was actually finding a church or a hall that was ok with a visiting pastor. I had my heart set on having Pastor Tim (PT for short) come and perform our ceremony. I asked him right away after we got engaged, he said yes he would do it. So then we had to find a hall with a nice chapel like area or a accessible church that would be willing to have PT do our service at their church. At the time Kev and I hadn't really found a home church. Partly due to the fact that Kev was/ is still questioning his faith and I didn't want to push to hard and the other fact that it is really hard for me to find a church that I like. I have gone to a bunch in the area for a couple months each and found one reason or another that I didn't like it. A lot of it was of me not being open minded enough and comparing it to much to LFC. So any how I decided to check out a church that was somewhat close to us. It was small, had good music and a good service. Those were the top three things I remember that I liked about it. I think we went for a few months before we asked about using the church for our service, and the pastor said yes! We were pretty psyched. Then the fun of planning said service/wedding. We ended up also taking a marriage class i guess you call it through one of the giant churches in the area, that was recommended by our Pastor and we also had a few marriage planning/counseling sessions with him before the big day! An interesting thing that came out of planning for our wedding is the vast different tastes that my parents have to what we have. Kev and I look back and would have had a much more casual reception. Yes our wedding was pretty formal, but because I did most of the planning and choosing of things it was more our taste and low keyness. My dress itself was not very fancy due to the fact I didn't want to be all showy. A simple dress with a little embroidery. My girls had really nice dresses-they picked the style themselves, I just chose the color. My flowers were gorgeous, and my favorite Lilacs were in the bouquet (sp?) The reception was way formal, lovely hall, great food, open bar, great dancing. I do have lots of fond memories from our wedding, although it being not exactly our style, it was nice. Ok, I think thats enough about the wedding Sheesh Y'all!!
-Um, going back to our church, we have really enjoyed going there, erm... ok I have, Kevin is a little still on the anti church end, but in his time I am sure he will be ok with it. For a while I did think it was time to move on to a new church, especially after we bought our house. But then I thought, really do I want to go through the process of finding a new church home? I said no, so we still go there. I have chosen to get more involved-or at least more active. We had been doing the tech booth for a few years, and then I started to actively go to the women's group bible study and the women's retreat. I find them really enjoyable, although being the shy one that I am I have an aversion to praying out loud, which is usually ok unless we have a small group.. then I am asked to pray. So I do it but I feel totally awkward, I am no good at praying... really got to work on that. Ok so check out my church's webby! http://www.gocrossroads.net/
So I guess I have pretty much covered my story. I did leave a few minor details out, need to have some secrecy!! :) So I am moving on to the next steps on what God has planned for us. Sometimes it is hard to give my life to Him, but I know it is the best. I guess this kinda relates to letting God lead your life. When we started this whole journey towards starting a family I had originally totally thrown out the idea of going through the foster system. I wanted a baby, still do, but after our info sessions have felt more and more pulled toward F2A. I don't hear God talking to me, but certain situations I know are from God. It is hard for me to explain, I just feel like this is God's plan for us right now.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sunday Rambling...
I am still working on my "about me" post, it should be up tonight, um that is if I have the guts! So tonights post will be kinda rambly i guess. It is just a bunch of thoughts that I have had today.
So some (maybe all of you?) know that we are pursuing foster/adoption through social services of WI. Well about a month ago we sent in our "interest" application. We had thought maybe we would get a responce from the state before we left for the trip, or at least during our trip. We didn't, but I wasn't to surprised. I was planning on emailing a friend who is a social worker in the state child welfare system to see how long response usually was, but before I got a chance to do that, we got a big manila envie in the mail. Nothing stood out as it being important, but I was a smiling away when I saw who it was from!! Yeah the state got back to us!! So now we are finishing up that application. I had hoped to send it off early this next week, but there is so much financial info asked that Kevin and I have to sit down and look through our paperwork. We also have to have "non familial" references. so we sent out the request to a bunch of people the other day, guessing that we will have a few no's, and the extra will cover us, well OMG!! the response has been awesome!! Half the people we asked have said yes! yeah!! We are still waiting for two more couples to say yes/or no, although one has previously said they would be a reference if we needed one, so really we are just waiting on one. So cool!! We even asked someone who didn't know about us pursueing adoption, but she has known me since um I was born, she is my sisters friend, and her fam is friends with my fam, so yeah, that was nice for her to say yes.
Along the foster planning route, it is a totally odd feeling I have been having. So I have been doing a bunch of research about what is covered in the average homestudy, and what is needed to pass the home inspection, and just general thinking about what we have to do/get to be ready. Well being the list maker that I am, I started a target list, its like a gift registry sorta. I figure that way I have all the stuff I have to get in one place. Already added a few things to...A booster seat, some pinch guards for our closets and some electrical cover things. The "odd" feeling is that I feel like I am making a baby registry or something... odd. Oh well.
Ok so I guess today is really me talking a lot about foster adoption... My other thing to bring up, yesterday Kevin and I went to a family friends sons bday party. Yes they are family friends, but more friends with my parents and sister, so it was odd being the only stabenfeldt's there. Had we known that my parents and sisters family wasnt coming, I probably wouldnt have come either. But I must say it was interesting to be an onlooker on craziness!! Also, I have realized... it gets really boring telling our "story" about how we are pursueing foster/adopt after about the fifth or sixth time. But i shoulda guessed it would be that way...we were at one of our references houses, and they were the ones that didnt know we were pursuing foster/adopt. ok seriously I need to find an abreiviation, or not type it so much!! Hmm, how about F2A or F/A. Hmm ok guess I'll use one of those from now on!!
One last thing on the F/A or IF world. I will maybe be going to my first actual Resolve Infertility support group. I say maybe because I am freaking anxious about this. Yes I did go to a bible study with a few of these ladies at the beginning of the month, but it sounds like very few actually go to the bible study, most go to the support group. I just feel odd because A) I am shy, duh... B) I still haven't really found my spot in the IF world. My situation is way different than most of the IF peeps... to go or not to go...
Oh also, my fellow reading friends, just finished Devil in the White City. Really good book. I think I like the story of the fair's creation more than the story of Holme's murders. I did have one section or topic that I really didn't get why the author put it in, the continuing little bits about Prendergast. Now to make a question hand out for wednesday's book club, oh and figure out what food to bring, other than cracker jacks!! Also thought all the connections and new companies that came out of the World's Fair was really cool. Ok, off to finish my story blog post. I don't know if I have the guts to do it though...
So some (maybe all of you?) know that we are pursuing foster/adoption through social services of WI. Well about a month ago we sent in our "interest" application. We had thought maybe we would get a responce from the state before we left for the trip, or at least during our trip. We didn't, but I wasn't to surprised. I was planning on emailing a friend who is a social worker in the state child welfare system to see how long response usually was, but before I got a chance to do that, we got a big manila envie in the mail. Nothing stood out as it being important, but I was a smiling away when I saw who it was from!! Yeah the state got back to us!! So now we are finishing up that application. I had hoped to send it off early this next week, but there is so much financial info asked that Kevin and I have to sit down and look through our paperwork. We also have to have "non familial" references. so we sent out the request to a bunch of people the other day, guessing that we will have a few no's, and the extra will cover us, well OMG!! the response has been awesome!! Half the people we asked have said yes! yeah!! We are still waiting for two more couples to say yes/or no, although one has previously said they would be a reference if we needed one, so really we are just waiting on one. So cool!! We even asked someone who didn't know about us pursueing adoption, but she has known me since um I was born, she is my sisters friend, and her fam is friends with my fam, so yeah, that was nice for her to say yes.
Along the foster planning route, it is a totally odd feeling I have been having. So I have been doing a bunch of research about what is covered in the average homestudy, and what is needed to pass the home inspection, and just general thinking about what we have to do/get to be ready. Well being the list maker that I am, I started a target list, its like a gift registry sorta. I figure that way I have all the stuff I have to get in one place. Already added a few things to...A booster seat, some pinch guards for our closets and some electrical cover things. The "odd" feeling is that I feel like I am making a baby registry or something... odd. Oh well.
Ok so I guess today is really me talking a lot about foster adoption... My other thing to bring up, yesterday Kevin and I went to a family friends sons bday party. Yes they are family friends, but more friends with my parents and sister, so it was odd being the only stabenfeldt's there. Had we known that my parents and sisters family wasnt coming, I probably wouldnt have come either. But I must say it was interesting to be an onlooker on craziness!! Also, I have realized... it gets really boring telling our "story" about how we are pursueing foster/adopt after about the fifth or sixth time. But i shoulda guessed it would be that way...we were at one of our references houses, and they were the ones that didnt know we were pursuing foster/adopt. ok seriously I need to find an abreiviation, or not type it so much!! Hmm, how about F2A or F/A. Hmm ok guess I'll use one of those from now on!!
One last thing on the F/A or IF world. I will maybe be going to my first actual Resolve Infertility support group. I say maybe because I am freaking anxious about this. Yes I did go to a bible study with a few of these ladies at the beginning of the month, but it sounds like very few actually go to the bible study, most go to the support group. I just feel odd because A) I am shy, duh... B) I still haven't really found my spot in the IF world. My situation is way different than most of the IF peeps... to go or not to go...
Oh also, my fellow reading friends, just finished Devil in the White City. Really good book. I think I like the story of the fair's creation more than the story of Holme's murders. I did have one section or topic that I really didn't get why the author put it in, the continuing little bits about Prendergast. Now to make a question hand out for wednesday's book club, oh and figure out what food to bring, other than cracker jacks!! Also thought all the connections and new companies that came out of the World's Fair was really cool. Ok, off to finish my story blog post. I don't know if I have the guts to do it though...
Friday, June 3, 2011
Diet Bribery
So recently I watched a new show on TV. The show was "Extreme Makeover, Weight Loss Edition". Doing a little research on this show afterwards proved to be pretty interesting. The "contestants" were actually turned down from Biggest Looser because they were to big. Hmm ok, interesting. In general I thought the show was really good. The show follows a person through a year of weight loss. It is supposed to be a little more realistic than BL because for most of the time the contestant resides in their own home, and struggles with similar things that we all struggle with. It is a little on the BL side with the fast weight loss. The trainer had a goal for this girl to loose 80 pounds in the first 90 days, granted she started at 369 and the heavier you are the faster the initial weight comes off. She succeeded with the 80 lbs, and the 55 lbs lost in the next 90 days. So again in general I thought it was a good show. I have one problem with the show though. It is something I can totally relate to, but in a different way. I do not believe that saying "If you loose X, you'll get Y". I have been bribed my whole life (ok, most of my life) to loose weight. And you know what, for most people it doesn't work. You have to want to loose weight for your self, yes getting a Game Boy, or toys, or money is great, but unless you really want to loose it for yourself, you will fail and then be disappointed in yourself. It is one thing to set goals for yourself and when you achieve them to give yourself a reward, but it is another to say I will give you this for that. Just my view. I am still working on my about me post... It is hard to say what is to much and what is interesting I guess. Who knows, it will be up soon I hope :)
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