Hard Day

I really don't know why. I think it is a mix of things that are making me be more emotional.
It started as a rainy saturday, where I got to sleep in-yay!! My main goal of the day was to re-go through String Beans wardrobe to see what he has outgrown. He has been in between sizes the last month or two, so we have been going through his stuff every once in a while.
I did that, but it made me sad that he is growing so fast and I can't believe SB has been in our home for so long.
Also I have had thoughts of court running through my head. Hubby either making it sound worse (for us adopting) than it really is, or me over reacting... I am sure it is the later...but still.
Court was not what we were expecting it would be about is all I will say. Frustrating how slow it is moving.
ReU is likely with bd, but they have far to come. No actual order in place for ru.
And then after thinking about this for the last day and a half-I watch the blind side.

Praying people who read, I know you have prayed for us a lot, but I really need prayer for encouragement and to really rely on God, as he knows best, it is just hard to see SB not being with us. I have been ending these blogs with prayer requests, but this is a really hard place of life we are in.   We are trying to think positive, but also realistic and it is just hard sometimes...

Today

I am just an emotional ball of nerves. Why-I really don't know. Well Ok I kinda know... my SB had another visit, a visit to which he is entitled to. A visit to which makes me feel more and more like we are going to loose this "sure thing."

Things still have to get worked out in court, definitions and requirements have to be decided. It is early.

Their buying him an excer-saucer or jumper from the goodbye convo.

They are trying...

No previous rules put into effect are being monitored...that is as far as I can tell.

I really need to learn to walk in faith, God knows what he is doing. God knows what is right. It is scary to walk in faith & not knowing what is going to happen.

Have a feeling God heard my prayer early on...challenge us... Yeah that would be what I prayed-crazy huh? He sure listened.

Sorry this is so rambly-just my thoughts coming out after today's visit.

WIC...

Has been one of the biggest annoyance with this whole fostering stuff.  Seriously.

First off, I want to say that I generally do not support the public assistance programs as I feel there are way to many people who are getting away abusing the system.  I will say there are true cases of need out there, and in those cases, there needs to be support, and at this time the PA programs are the best the country has to help...

I am going to sound hypocritical, so skip over if what I am going to say may tick you off.

I am super thankful that SB is eligable to be on WIC. Because he is a foster child, he is eligable...no questions asked. Ok well they do ask questions...but you get the idea.  So SB is a youngin and requires formula to thrive.   So that is what is provided through the WIC office. He will also be eligable for jarred baby food in two months (they start when SB is 6mos...) and eventually real food. Which will be nice, but really we wont need the help with providing.  The formula as many of you know is pricey. We could pay for it, but it would be hard on our wallet to spend about $125 a month just on formula.  Anyhow, that's not really what I am writing about.

I am writing on how I feel like the biggest turd (for lack of a better word) when I go to WIC, mostly because of how I feel like I am abusing the system somehow & also because of how I am treated by the workers at the WIC office.

Until a worker reads the info that SB is a foster kid, I am treated like some mother who doesn't work & wants the government to pay my way. Sigh... SB and I have the same skin tone, so they don't know he is foster until they read the chart.  But still I get treated like some uneducated mother.  This last time I picked up the checks, I also had to take a "class."  The class was a section of a binder I had to read in regards to how & what to feed baby.  I guess this may have been informative to some, but I knew a lot of it already.  I am wondering why they want me to read about food when I wont be getting checks for baby food until SB is 6mo-maybe they think I will be starting at 4-5mo?  The other thing, after looking at baby food that is available now, I have decided to make a lot of SB's food & supplement with jarred food.  I also plan to make food that is not eligible to even be bought with wic checks, such as peaches.... yep you can't get baby peaches on wic in my state because they believe the higher sugar content in baby food peaches can lead to diabetes or obesity....yep you heard me right.

So also this last time I got in trouble for forgetting to have my hubby sign the signature card (if he signs, he can also pick up the formula at a store). I felt like a little 2nd grader getting in trouble for something.  I tried to pursuade the lady that I just forgot-ya know since I have visits & case worker visits & birth-3 visits and so on to think of, and I forgot to have him sign.  She finally gave in after a few tries, and says if he doesn't sign this month, she will take him off... The first thing I had hubby do that night-sign the damn card...

Grr sorry for my WIC rant...

4/15/2012

So this is more of a mixed post. I have a couple things on my mind.

2nd visit went well, or as well as I think it went. bm seemed more appreciative than ever of how much we are caring of SB.  Thought it was nice that he is our only foster kiddo right now.

Sent a notice to SB's GAL in regards to a visit concern and requesting info in regards to court that I have not been privy to. And it isn't anything like what happened-i know that's confidential, but more like when the whoey is it so I can go. I want to go to court to get a little more info maybe on how his case is moving.

Went to our first Foundation course for our license. From what I have read the state I live in is somewhat backwards in regards to foster training. We have to take 9hrs of pre-license training, formal support session once placed with a child, then another 33 hours of Foundation training in the next 2yrs.  I like that we are doing the training while we have a placement-as you can ask questions in each class that pertain to your situation, ect.

Hubby and I slightly snickered at something discussed yesterday at class.  We were being told that there are views that think the removal of a child from a birth family home is more traumatic for the child than the actual abuse the child had dealt with.  Another student brought up the question of, well what if the child has only been in your house and only knows you and your husband as their parents. Well the teachers responce was the standard, they are young, it isn't as traumatizing for them, they can move on better. Hmm ok...sure...

Happy Easter!!

So I hope you all had an awesome easter! Ours was interesting to say the least.  We went to church where every little kid was in their cute easter best, including String Bean!  He was so cute, I wish I got some cute photos of him in his outfit. Maybe after we wash it I can.  String Bean has still not exactly gotten his easter basket.  He has been told about it, but hasn't really been alert/ me being not busy to really sit down and show him the things in his basket.  Grammy & Grampy (my parents...don't exactly know what to refer to them as...) got him a card & my sister got him a little beanie & card. It was sweet of them both! I know it has got to be a challenge for them to exactly know how to love around him, to much & your heart will be broken when/if he leaves.


So I have another blog topic on my mind to write, but I think I really need to sit down & draft it out on paper before I blog about it.  It refers to others (outsiders) who have a hard time deciding if they are for you (in this case fostering) or if they are against you. It is odd for me to get further into. It kinda related to something that was discussed this easter-so family who reads this-don't be upset, this is just my view & I have a right to it.

Privacy

Hey all, just wanted to give you all a quick update on the privacy changes with my blog.  I have recently joined some fb groups for fostering and there was talk about bio parents finding and commenting on blogs. I thought, as far as I know bio dad has not found blog, but for String Bean and any future foster childrens' safety my blog is no longer connected to my name.  It will be more private now, so if you have to google the blog, you will have to google it without my name attached, if that makes sense. Ok, so that's about it here-if anyone has questions, lemme know!

Visit...

So my anxiety was at high levels this morning. I had to prepare for the visit, I had to prepare SB for the visit.  I had to mentally & emotionally prepare for visit.

Well I got to the location a few minutes early & met eith SB's CW who rang the doorbell three times...no answer each time. I thought "Yes, maybe the visit will get postponed & I wont have to deal with the unknowns yet!"  Well CW called BD and he answered, doorbell not working...crap I gotta hand him off after all.

So I handed the bubs off to bd, get introduced by sw, friendly hello's given all around. I leave as soon as it seams right to leave.  When I came back, bd was diapering the bubs. He was apperantly very appreciative of how well we took care of the little man.  SW made a comment that bm & bd said they liked how many cute outfits we had for bubs.  Cw was really happy with all the thought we put into the things in SB's diaper bag (communication journal w/intro note, TONS of pictures, disp camera for them to take pictures during visits & a easter craft I did)

All in all I am a little less anxious about visits, and really trying not to focus on the future to much. It is hard though since much of my family seems to be, I just don't want them to be too hurt in the end if SB goes home with bd... I see some members of my fam already struggling with SB seeing bd... Some family say the kids dont understand when they are this little and if RU happens SB will be wanting me and not bd. I am not so sure-at this point, yes... but as the relationship grows (if it grows) then I don't think so that much.  I donno. Right now I am looking forward to easter and the next weeks and months will play out how how his story will go.  We are leaning on God at every step and we know He knows how the journey will end, sometimes I wish he would clue us in to the next step!

Easter fun & crafts!

Ok, so I know perfectly well that a almost four month old can not do crafts...but we did them anyhow. Ok...I...we...? (whatever)...did an Easter craft. It was cute-I had seen this on pinterest, mostly for older children who don't bawl at you when you trace their hand (yep, that would be what String Bean did...)Here is a picture of the finished product-it is kinda cute, but also kinda basic-I donno...but guessing bd will appreciate it. Oh new term sorry...bd= biodad. Figured bd was better than daddy... so that is what we shall use. Anyhow...moving on, here is the picture!

So yeah, sorry it is sideways, but you get the idea.  So It is cute, but also somewhat ugly? Idk... 

We have also decided to give SB an easter basket, I feel that I should treat him as if he is mine, and if he was mine he would be getting an easter basket.  So I got some cute things for the basket, including a stuffed bunny, a toy & a sippy cup, since SB will be with us presumably for a while and it will thusly come in handy for him when he is old enough :)  Also if you look at the basket closely, you will not only see ripped tissue paper (thanks to my lovely cat....) and an empty space. I am hoping that I get the books I ordered almost a week ago tomorrow so they can be added to the basket.  

I wonder if BD has anything he is going to either give SB or ask me to give SB on easter... I guess I will find out soon.

Part of the reason I have been trying to keep myself busy is because I am very nervous of the visit tomorrow, I don't know why.... The unknowns? Looking to far into the future? Who knows... All I know is it is happening, so it should be interesting.

SB is growing up!

I can't believe how fast the last three months have gone. It seamed like just yesterday SB joined our family with lots of uncertainty. Things are still very uncertain with SB, but it has been a joy and a gift to have SB with us.  Although I love seeing SB doing new things-such as dancing/jumping in the jumparoo, and sitting supported and more, I wish for the baby things back!  I wish for the days when all SB wanted to do was snuggle and sleep in my arms. SB is one active little thing-on the move all the time when awake!  I can't believe how fast SB is growing-such a little sprout!