9/1/11

Ok so I don't exactly know what to title this post. This post is going to talk about my emotions and how I have been trying to choose happy mental health things over things that drag me down.  More specifically a situation that has come to the forfront. Some people who are reading this will know what I am about to talk about.

I have chosen to not go to my sil's shower because it is mentally very hard for me.  Now I am not doing this with a smile on my face and laughter. I am very sorry that I am not going. But in the end I told her it is in my better interest to not go.

Since finding out we couldn't have kids I have been invited to 3.5 baby showers. This will be the fourth. The half is a gift thing/dinner/end of group party for bible study so it wasn't a true shower.  I have attending two other actual showers. Both were so hard for me.  The first one I totally broke down before the shower even started.  I had to calm myself down and put on a happy face.  The other shower I was fine until the drive home, then I broke down.  Both of those were 8+ months ago.  The dinner/gift thing was a few months back and I was fine because it was not focused on baby. Just a gift presentation.

Some people may say I have not moved on. This is a loss that I don't think I will fully move on from. I have moved on from a lot. I have accepted that this was not my fault, there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. I have moved on from being bitter about people who are pregnant. Moved on for the most part on breaking down when someone announces their pregnancy. I have accepted that this is God's plan for me. I have accepted the sadness that my husband will not be a parent to a bio child of his own. I have really accepted and moved on from a lot of it.

The reason I chose to not to go to showers is because it is a loss of experiences. Shower's are focused all about the baby and the mother and the pregnancy.  And it just reminds me of what I will never have. I will never experience those things.

I will say that I am trying to see the peoples sides. I am trying to see how this may show how I haven't moved on and so on.

I donno, I mean I feel bad for not going but don't I also have a right to protect my heart? Also I do plan to have her over and give her gifts for her little one. Leave a comment below if you have one!