A quick recap of my weekend would be frantic cleaning on friday, frantic cooking on friday and frantic set up on saturday. Also I was quit busy during the day on saturday when people were coming over. I got to spend sporatic amounts of time with groups of people. Spent some indoor time with the people with munchkins (yeah the planned tent thing didn't work out... way to hot) spent time with church people, spent time with relatives and fam and friends.I had previously thought I'd make some grand announcement and thanking our references and saying a prayer around the time food was to come out, but um instead it was a "food is done, come and get it." But it was a good day, we had a few new couples come to our house that were friends/church people that haven't seen Casa De Stittleburg, so that was cool.
Today I spent the day reading, watching TV with hubby, eating left overs, and reading blogs, actually a lot of new blogs. That is kinda were my post is coming from tonight. I had a now semi rare flair up of emotions tonight. I am on the hunt for IF blogs or blogs of people pursueing fostering/adoption to follow. I found a couple, but it seams like at least a third of the IF/ttc blogs that I found the people are preggo. And I had a hard twinge on jealousy even though I don't know these people i was still pretty jealous of them. I don't know why I felt that way..well ok I guess kinda do, but I should have moved on. I have moved on. Ok, really I am moving on. I was jealous, shed a very few tears and moved on, to writing this post. Tommorow I am going to support group, I will bite the big bullet of "I'm weird" "I'm Alone" "My situation is strange compared to most" and go to the support group. I think...
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Success!!
So after my freak out day on monday, I had to calm myself before Chris came over on tuesday. Well I did, not sure how but I wasn't as nervous the morning before he came over. So we met with Chris for the first time, and I think I like him. We haven't had much time to get to know him, but he seems nice enough. So our first meeting included going through some paperwork, signing ALOT of paperwork, being handed some stuff to read, including the state statute (rules/law) about fostering...yeah that's a fun one to read :) We set up an appt to see him again, he is going to come by next tuesday to check out the house and begin the interviews.
Chris went over a lot of info that I had read about already, but some info was new. I did not know that they take what they learn from us and our home study and write up a 10-15 page report that they use for matching us with a child. Also he went over the matching process briefly,it sounds like it will be similar to what I have read in a few books were it is a multi step process. They match you up and if you ok it then you meet the child a couple times, eventually a few sleep overs and weekends and then they are placed full time until adoption hearings. So it isn't quite the same as if you were a foster only parent, in those cases they call with a match and if you approve a sw brings the kid over that day.
In other news, I just got fingerprinted today. Oh yeah, that is a requirement... It was really interesting actually-lol! I have never been to jail or had a criminal history so the only fingerprinting I have seen is the ones they show on tv shows. Usually they show with ink and stuff like that. Well this place is INK FREE!! yeah! It was almost like they scanned your fingers. It is hard to explain-but the machine looked like a mini scanner. Very cool. Although it took her a few tries on some of my fingers as i have dry skin :( oh well.
Oh and my house is still frickin clean! Holla!! I am excited for the party this weekend. It should be fun!
Chris went over a lot of info that I had read about already, but some info was new. I did not know that they take what they learn from us and our home study and write up a 10-15 page report that they use for matching us with a child. Also he went over the matching process briefly,it sounds like it will be similar to what I have read in a few books were it is a multi step process. They match you up and if you ok it then you meet the child a couple times, eventually a few sleep overs and weekends and then they are placed full time until adoption hearings. So it isn't quite the same as if you were a foster only parent, in those cases they call with a match and if you approve a sw brings the kid over that day.
In other news, I just got fingerprinted today. Oh yeah, that is a requirement... It was really interesting actually-lol! I have never been to jail or had a criminal history so the only fingerprinting I have seen is the ones they show on tv shows. Usually they show with ink and stuff like that. Well this place is INK FREE!! yeah! It was almost like they scanned your fingers. It is hard to explain-but the machine looked like a mini scanner. Very cool. Although it took her a few tries on some of my fingers as i have dry skin :( oh well.
Oh and my house is still frickin clean! Holla!! I am excited for the party this weekend. It should be fun!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Anxiety about tommorow
OMG! I am freaking out about tomorrow! It is the first BIG step towards our foster license. A friend is a few steps ahead of me in her process and said not to worry, it will be fine. But my brain is on over drive thinking of all the bad things that could happen. My house is in ship shape condition-yeah! I bought food for tomorrow-muffins and fruit (9am appt). I just need to chill and take deep breaths and RELAX! Oh my goodness, I am so nervous and excited at the same time.
Follow me to...
blogspot. I have at times hated blogspot, but for me I find it soo much easier to add custom stuff compaired to wordpress. Wordpress isn't really free if you want to add custom features....so i am moving to blogspot... sorry folks! I will try to keep this blog updated with the posts I will post on blogspot, but can't guarentee it for to long! Ok, so come follow me on http://embracinghopetoday.blogspot.com/ There currently is nothing there, but soon will be! I plan to copy over all the wp posts too. I'm off to clean! SW is coming over tommorow-yikes!!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Update...sorta
So don't know how to title this post really.
So update: I have been cleaning like crazy for both our party and most importantly our pending case worker visit. I am less nervous about this in some ways and more nervous about the first visit in other ways. The whole process is just so overwhelming for me at times. I am nervous that our house will be acceptable, that there wont be to many crazy things he recommends we do. Hubbies big concern (other than the money thing of course) is the food thing. Why I have no idea. We went grocery shopping recently and he kept adding things to make our cupboards look even fuller with food. Really? Like we don't have enough food as it is??!! We have plenty of food fyi-but that is one of Hubbies anxiety points. Also do to work issues on hubbies end we had to reschedule our appt, so now it is the day after, tues at 9am. Thinking about making muffins or something monday night-not sure if that would be appropriate though...
Hmmph, in some ways I wish I didn't make this blog as public as I did with linking it to fb. Tongiht I really want to talk about something on here, but too many people I know, know about this blog and I would be nervous of their judgement/reaction, so I will keep it in.
Maybe I will write it to write it and password protect it, that way I can get it out and also monitor who reads it.... I dunno
So update: I have been cleaning like crazy for both our party and most importantly our pending case worker visit. I am less nervous about this in some ways and more nervous about the first visit in other ways. The whole process is just so overwhelming for me at times. I am nervous that our house will be acceptable, that there wont be to many crazy things he recommends we do. Hubbies big concern (other than the money thing of course) is the food thing. Why I have no idea. We went grocery shopping recently and he kept adding things to make our cupboards look even fuller with food. Really? Like we don't have enough food as it is??!! We have plenty of food fyi-but that is one of Hubbies anxiety points. Also do to work issues on hubbies end we had to reschedule our appt, so now it is the day after, tues at 9am. Thinking about making muffins or something monday night-not sure if that would be appropriate though...
Hmmph, in some ways I wish I didn't make this blog as public as I did with linking it to fb. Tongiht I really want to talk about something on here, but too many people I know, know about this blog and I would be nervous of their judgement/reaction, so I will keep it in.
Maybe I will write it to write it and password protect it, that way I can get it out and also monitor who reads it.... I dunno
Friday, July 15, 2011
Getting real
Um, ok so be warned, some swearage commences in the post henceforth...So I have started this blog post and deleted it more times than I can count. I am so %^&*!$& pissed at myself. Seriously, wth is my problem. I am so frustrated with my weight and I am at the point of giving up on ever being skinny. Hmph, that sounds rather depressing. I just don't have the accountablity that I need (want), and good for you food costs to much, and I really hate to cook, and I really hate figuring out what the &^@# to cook Hubby that is gluten free, and I like fast food to much, and ... and... ...and... Oh MY GOSH, grr, so many freaking excusses. Why cant I get over them, gosh dang it. I really need to do something, it is getting bad. I am not gaining, I'm just not doing anything to get it off...
Also I have been sick alot more than I'd like to be, and my lovely endo has no clue what it could be...great... So either I get to keep guessing/messing around with vitamins or spend mucho dinero to figure it out. So I am going to try the vitamin route at this time. Also nutrition, cuz um well I know for a fact that it aint hot. And I am horrible when it comes to goals, horrible I say. So, we are going to make goals...makes sense right?!? But these will be slightly higher than known acheivability, so they practically will be acheivable. The goals for the next week are:
1. Eat a fruit or vegetable each day this week. Um ok I know this sounds way bad, but i am not a veggie liker/lover and usually forget to eat the fruit before it goes bad. I even have canned fruit. Not great, but better than no fruit/veg.
2. Record what I eat either on spark people or on a notepad, and show proof on here. Erm, yeah, lets hope I remember to do this. I am bad at journaling because I dont want to write down the truth, sad huh.
3. Drink 64oz water a day - I generally do good on this, but have somewhat slacked and been drinking more soda.
Um, ok so only three goals. Sad but I have realized I can only focus on three weight loss goals at a time. My reward for sticking to these three goals for this coming week (Sun-Sat) will be a new paperback book, and not one i have to read for book club. Ok I'm off to sleep! night!
Also I have been sick alot more than I'd like to be, and my lovely endo has no clue what it could be...great... So either I get to keep guessing/messing around with vitamins or spend mucho dinero to figure it out. So I am going to try the vitamin route at this time. Also nutrition, cuz um well I know for a fact that it aint hot. And I am horrible when it comes to goals, horrible I say. So, we are going to make goals...makes sense right?!? But these will be slightly higher than known acheivability, so they practically will be acheivable. The goals for the next week are:
1. Eat a fruit or vegetable each day this week. Um ok I know this sounds way bad, but i am not a veggie liker/lover and usually forget to eat the fruit before it goes bad. I even have canned fruit. Not great, but better than no fruit/veg.
2. Record what I eat either on spark people or on a notepad, and show proof on here. Erm, yeah, lets hope I remember to do this. I am bad at journaling because I dont want to write down the truth, sad huh.
3. Drink 64oz water a day - I generally do good on this, but have somewhat slacked and been drinking more soda.
Um, ok so only three goals. Sad but I have realized I can only focus on three weight loss goals at a time. My reward for sticking to these three goals for this coming week (Sun-Sat) will be a new paperback book, and not one i have to read for book club. Ok I'm off to sleep! night!
Seeing the joy in the sorrow and the sorrow in the joy...
Is not to easy to think about. I have talked about finding sorrow in their joy, but not much on the joy in their sorrow part. The sorrow I am talking about is the loss of a child. I am so lucky and greatful that I have never experienced the loss of a child by death or by adoption or the foster system. This has been on my mind for a while as a post, and was reminded of it recently again. I am not sure I will use the right words, so bear with me.
As a foster to adopt parent I feel you need to be willing to feel, or put your feet in the other persons shoes. Yes these people may have done something so horrible, so unforgiving to these children, but at the end of the day these are their children until the adoption is finalized- 6+ months down the road. A lot of times these parents may have never been taught how to be a proper parent. They might have had a child young, not wanting to give up the child, abuse/mistreat the child because they don't know better and loose the child because the cant get their life in order to the courts standards. Yes I am generalizing, and yes I am probably being not as harsh as should be on the birthparents, but I feel it is truly not my place to judge until i know the whole story. I guess this really doesnt make sence, just words coming out of my head.
I don't call our future child "My child" or "our child" yet because of many reasons I guess. One being that he/she is never going to wholly be my child. Yes they will be legally mine with time but genetically someone elses. I am sure with time I will call him/her my child. Another thought is my nervousness on being a parent, are we really ready? Is this really happening? I know that everyone doubts their parenting abilities before they have children, so do I. Another more important thing is I am not a lifesaver or someone stepping in and the family will be wonderful.
Hmmph I am trying to type this and the words are just not right. Do you readers understand what I am trying to say? Pretty much to try to sum it up, at the same time I am excited to bring in a new member into our family I am also trying to remember where they came from and the hurt the birthparents must be feeling. From what I have read and seen it is harder for the foster child who is adopted to stay connected to their birth family after adoption finalization than the more modern open adoptions that go on with infant adoption. The child doesnt forget, so what right do we have to forget their past. It takes a village to raise a child. Ok I guess I am gonna end it here. Any comments? Post below :)
As a foster to adopt parent I feel you need to be willing to feel, or put your feet in the other persons shoes. Yes these people may have done something so horrible, so unforgiving to these children, but at the end of the day these are their children until the adoption is finalized- 6+ months down the road. A lot of times these parents may have never been taught how to be a proper parent. They might have had a child young, not wanting to give up the child, abuse/mistreat the child because they don't know better and loose the child because the cant get their life in order to the courts standards. Yes I am generalizing, and yes I am probably being not as harsh as should be on the birthparents, but I feel it is truly not my place to judge until i know the whole story. I guess this really doesnt make sence, just words coming out of my head.
I don't call our future child "My child" or "our child" yet because of many reasons I guess. One being that he/she is never going to wholly be my child. Yes they will be legally mine with time but genetically someone elses. I am sure with time I will call him/her my child. Another thought is my nervousness on being a parent, are we really ready? Is this really happening? I know that everyone doubts their parenting abilities before they have children, so do I. Another more important thing is I am not a lifesaver or someone stepping in and the family will be wonderful.
Hmmph I am trying to type this and the words are just not right. Do you readers understand what I am trying to say? Pretty much to try to sum it up, at the same time I am excited to bring in a new member into our family I am also trying to remember where they came from and the hurt the birthparents must be feeling. From what I have read and seen it is harder for the foster child who is adopted to stay connected to their birth family after adoption finalization than the more modern open adoptions that go on with infant adoption. The child doesnt forget, so what right do we have to forget their past. It takes a village to raise a child. Ok I guess I am gonna end it here. Any comments? Post below :)
Thursday, July 14, 2011
We have a social Worker!
So we have a social worker, yeah! And we have our first home study meeting set up. The nerves are already setting in.. Good Lord I am such a worry wart! So we meet with Chris at 9am on the 25th of July! Woot Woot! So now back to cleaning. Our house is slowly getting back in order, really the family room kitchen and bedroom are the worst. those are the three rooms we mainly live in so, yeah makes sense! I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am expecting it to go smoothly, but again my brain is in overdrive. I am off to clean... yeah...
Saturday, July 9, 2011
It's Been a week...
Since I last posted. Nothing super crazy goin on over here. I have two posts in draft still... one money not equaling happiness and one on getting real with my eating/food addiction. I am still trying to implement lists into my daily life...not going to well. But I did get some of the things done on the list from twoish weeks ago:
-Paint Closet in 2nd BR & Clean/put room back together - Check!
-Clean bathroom closet & go through meds to get rid of expireds, ect. - Check!
-Clean Bathroom drawers out (same as above) - Check!
-Install at least one of the smoke/CO alarms (2nd br one) - Check! They all got installed
-Clean up LR & DR (dust & vac) - Check! The blinds/couches haven't gotten vacuumed yet...
-Make appt for cats to go to vet, make sure updated on vaccines. Call new vet… (oh yeah and get em registered with the city) - Half check! Checked the records we have on the two furballs and they are good till 3/2012 -the three year vaccines throw me for a loop. We still haven't licensed them with the city. Gonna wait to see what the social worker says.
So I did pretty good. I still have alot of cleaning before the party or social worker visit. I am starting in the basement... Our basement has become a dissastor area with all the construction/home decorating hubby has been doing lately. He also got a new (to him) tool box so he has been trying to organize his tools better. So back to the social worker thing...we are still waiting to hear from someone. We may call this week. Not to sure if it is to soon to call, The letter was dated 6/24 and said to call if we didn't hear back from them in a timely mannor. So IDK. I am guessing they are still waiting for the references to send their stuff back, but again IDK. It is such a waiting game, and it is hard!
Not much to post tonight, not much on my mind. But I do have those drafted posts and a tuesday women's group recap (ehrm..that is if I read the chapters and go to group...I totally forgot until I got an email from L! THanks!) Oh also I think I may write a post about me chickening out for my last/actual official IF support group meeting. I wrote a while back about possibly going. Well it didn't happen. Ok well I am off to go clean and buy groceries-yeah!
-Paint Closet in 2nd BR & Clean/put room back together - Check!
-Clean bathroom closet & go through meds to get rid of expireds, ect. - Check!
-Clean Bathroom drawers out (same as above) - Check!
-Install at least one of the smoke/CO alarms (2nd br one) - Check! They all got installed
-Clean up LR & DR (dust & vac) - Check! The blinds/couches haven't gotten vacuumed yet...
-Make appt for cats to go to vet, make sure updated on vaccines. Call new vet… (oh yeah and get em registered with the city) - Half check! Checked the records we have on the two furballs and they are good till 3/2012 -the three year vaccines throw me for a loop. We still haven't licensed them with the city. Gonna wait to see what the social worker says.
So I did pretty good. I still have alot of cleaning before the party or social worker visit. I am starting in the basement... Our basement has become a dissastor area with all the construction/home decorating hubby has been doing lately. He also got a new (to him) tool box so he has been trying to organize his tools better. So back to the social worker thing...we are still waiting to hear from someone. We may call this week. Not to sure if it is to soon to call, The letter was dated 6/24 and said to call if we didn't hear back from them in a timely mannor. So IDK. I am guessing they are still waiting for the references to send their stuff back, but again IDK. It is such a waiting game, and it is hard!
Not much to post tonight, not much on my mind. But I do have those drafted posts and a tuesday women's group recap (ehrm..that is if I read the chapters and go to group...I totally forgot until I got an email from L! THanks!) Oh also I think I may write a post about me chickening out for my last/actual official IF support group meeting. I wrote a while back about possibly going. Well it didn't happen. Ok well I am off to go clean and buy groceries-yeah!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
The Silent Celebration
Today hubby and I went to celebrate his grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. It was great! Family and a few friends came and we ate a family style meal at a local banquet hall. We had a nice mix of people at our table. It was us, bil & sil, mil, and one of hubby's aunt and uncle and cousin. I will restate, I really like his family, they are nice people and pretty interesting people. But I was reminded also the whole time of how excited they are for the new child that is joining the family, and not our new child through F2A. Each Aunt spent some time talking with sil about her baby growing and what their plans are for naming/gender finding out/ect. Even hubby's grandma came over and said some stuff to her and said "It's about time." I must admit it was hard for me to hear all this baby talk. I did not have to excuse myself to cry or anything, infact I was very hapy with my ability to hold it together and smile for them. But it was hard. I am as happy as the rest for them, but also a little sad that I will never experience some of the things she was talking about. BUt I have discussed that before, and have begun to let the "I will never experience..." go. It is time to move on, and I have.
But today was hard. It showed that families have a hard time accepting the possibility of a child. The possibility of a foster child joining their family. It is easier for them to see a pregnant women and accept that future child as part of them, part of the family than it is for them to accept the unknown foster/adopted child. I have learned this well today. As I was outwordly showing my happiness and celebrating a new little one to join the family I was also celebrating the little one that will join us through a different set of circumstances. But it is a lonely celebration. I was not asked how we are doing on our journey, or what we have to do still, or if we are ready to be parents like they asked bil & sil. The one time our journey was talked about today, I was the one who brought it up. I don't know, I feel like we don't have family support in this on either side really. I have breifly mentioned before that I felt alone in my own family, but I even feel a little alone/outcast in hubby's extended family. I know all that is important is that I am loved and precious in God's family, but sometimes I just feel like I need more than just spiritual love, like physical love. IDK, it is hard to discribe I guess.
But today was hard. It showed that families have a hard time accepting the possibility of a child. The possibility of a foster child joining their family. It is easier for them to see a pregnant women and accept that future child as part of them, part of the family than it is for them to accept the unknown foster/adopted child. I have learned this well today. As I was outwordly showing my happiness and celebrating a new little one to join the family I was also celebrating the little one that will join us through a different set of circumstances. But it is a lonely celebration. I was not asked how we are doing on our journey, or what we have to do still, or if we are ready to be parents like they asked bil & sil. The one time our journey was talked about today, I was the one who brought it up. I don't know, I feel like we don't have family support in this on either side really. I have breifly mentioned before that I felt alone in my own family, but I even feel a little alone/outcast in hubby's extended family. I know all that is important is that I am loved and precious in God's family, but sometimes I just feel like I need more than just spiritual love, like physical love. IDK, it is hard to discribe I guess.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Really...
I thought the hard part of admitting my IF to people was just that, admitting it. I was wrong. The hard part is dealing with peoples comments. Many people we tell are super nice and know to an extent what should/shouldn't be said. Well tonight again I was reminded of how some people just don't know what they should NOT say. The thing that was said to hubby was "if your aunt was younger I bet she would've been willing to be a surrogate for you guys." Um... what do you say to that...there are no words... The person was trying to be nice I think, but really that is not something to say. I don't even know how to respond to something like that. Hubby said "well no matter what it is out of the question because it costs way to much." I mean really, think before you say stuff! Ok, sorry that this is rantish!
Friday, July 1, 2011
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