So much has happened!

Ok, so apparently I stink at keeping up with the blog! Well my excuse is I have a 8.5 month (yes I can't believe he is that old as well!!) to chase after!  He is crawling and pulling up all over the place, it truly is ridiculous how big he is getting. I want the baby back!!!  I miss cuddling with him, he may let me cuddle with him if he is SUPER tired, but that is about it, sigh...

So back on track to update.... He is ours now....we are so very happy, but at the same time not so sure it has really sunk in yet that he really truly is ours.  We haven't had a social worker visit in almost a month. I keep looking at my calender and thinking I need to call Ryan (our CW) and schedule a home visit, then I remember, Oh yeah we adopted him! It has been nice to be alone and bond more as a family, no cw intervening and telling us what we can/cant do.

A few days after we adopted D, my parents had a big party to celebrate his adoption. It was a really sweet day. A day that I look back on with happy tears! So many people came out to congratulate us on the adoption finalization.

We also just recently came back from a first airplane trip with the little man! we went to Cape Cod for a week. It was interesting, somewhat swore off of traveling with extended family, but D seemed to enjoy his extra time with Gma & Gpa, so that was good!  Some pictures in another post soon! I just wanted to quick pop on & update!!

So Fast

The journey that hubby and I have been on for the last six months is about to end. The train is about to stop and let us off to breath and just be. Be what you may ask? Be a family.

SB has been our family since day one, but it will be official in 61 days.

Everyone has said this is moving quick, everyone except us and our friends/family.  But sitting in court yesterday we were reminded yet again on how fast our case has gone. We had also received a round of congrats yesterday.

Yesterday we sat through a heart renching vol tpr hearing.  I silently cried or teared up through the whole thing.  So many questions just to make sure they are for sure on their decision.  The saddest part was when bio dad said he didn't have any family....I just wanted to get up and hug him right then and there.  Parents got released from court room, our cw got interviewed. Adoption date set.

So apparently people are super surprised that our case has moved so fast through the system, we think it is God! He placed us with a little guy he know we would fall in love with so deeply as if he was our own and knew how this was all going to work out even before SB was born.  God is good!!

Future

Future is not something you talk about when you foster. It is a touchy and hard area to bring up to someone who fosters.  I am of course talking from experience here.  I probably didn't go into fostering with the best intentions, I wanted a family, period.  Foster care was our best bet for creating a family, and it looks like we will soon be an official family.

Future is hard because before we got the paper work we lived in the here and now, maybe next month as well. Not a whole season ahead or a first birthday or an adoption party, or even our hopes and dreams for our little Prince.  That is what we are living in now, maybe preemptively, but hopefully.  We can see the light at the end of the tunnel, we know his future could be rocky, we are excited to just have a future with him in it.

So Thankful

I am not even sure that would be appropriate to title this. Thank you is not enough.  Thank you for giving my soon to be son life, a life that yes, did start out rocky, but a life.  Thank you for thinking beyond yourself. Even though there are so many things that cause you to not be a parent in social services mind, that one glimmer of hope I can see.  You chose for your son- our son, to have a better life. One that you knew you couldn't make happen. We are forever grateful.  We hope that we can maintain the right amount of openess.  We hope to be open and let you in, but at the same time guard this little boys heart, he has been through so much already. We can't wait for the day that we get to officially call String Bean our son.   We hope that the paperwork will be completed shortly so we can hopefully finalize the adoption by early fall.

Today

I am just an emotional ball of nerves. Why-I really don't know. Well Ok I kinda know... my SB had another visit, a visit to which he is entitled to. A visit to which makes me feel more and more like we are going to loose this "sure thing."

Things still have to get worked out in court, definitions and requirements have to be decided. It is early.

Their buying him an excer-saucer or jumper from the goodbye convo.

They are trying...

No previous rules put into effect are being monitored...that is as far as I can tell.

I really need to learn to walk in faith, God knows what he is doing. God knows what is right. It is scary to walk in faith & not knowing what is going to happen.

Have a feeling God heard my prayer early on...challenge us... Yeah that would be what I prayed-crazy huh? He sure listened.

Sorry this is so rambly-just my thoughts coming out after today's visit.

Happy Easter!!

So I hope you all had an awesome easter! Ours was interesting to say the least.  We went to church where every little kid was in their cute easter best, including String Bean!  He was so cute, I wish I got some cute photos of him in his outfit. Maybe after we wash it I can.  String Bean has still not exactly gotten his easter basket.  He has been told about it, but hasn't really been alert/ me being not busy to really sit down and show him the things in his basket.  Grammy & Grampy (my parents...don't exactly know what to refer to them as...) got him a card & my sister got him a little beanie & card. It was sweet of them both! I know it has got to be a challenge for them to exactly know how to love around him, to much & your heart will be broken when/if he leaves.


So I have another blog topic on my mind to write, but I think I really need to sit down & draft it out on paper before I blog about it.  It refers to others (outsiders) who have a hard time deciding if they are for you (in this case fostering) or if they are against you. It is odd for me to get further into. It kinda related to something that was discussed this easter-so family who reads this-don't be upset, this is just my view & I have a right to it.

Visit...

So my anxiety was at high levels this morning. I had to prepare for the visit, I had to prepare SB for the visit.  I had to mentally & emotionally prepare for visit.

Well I got to the location a few minutes early & met eith SB's CW who rang the doorbell three times...no answer each time. I thought "Yes, maybe the visit will get postponed & I wont have to deal with the unknowns yet!"  Well CW called BD and he answered, doorbell not working...crap I gotta hand him off after all.

So I handed the bubs off to bd, get introduced by sw, friendly hello's given all around. I leave as soon as it seams right to leave.  When I came back, bd was diapering the bubs. He was apperantly very appreciative of how well we took care of the little man.  SW made a comment that bm & bd said they liked how many cute outfits we had for bubs.  Cw was really happy with all the thought we put into the things in SB's diaper bag (communication journal w/intro note, TONS of pictures, disp camera for them to take pictures during visits & a easter craft I did)

All in all I am a little less anxious about visits, and really trying not to focus on the future to much. It is hard though since much of my family seems to be, I just don't want them to be too hurt in the end if SB goes home with bd... I see some members of my fam already struggling with SB seeing bd... Some family say the kids dont understand when they are this little and if RU happens SB will be wanting me and not bd. I am not so sure-at this point, yes... but as the relationship grows (if it grows) then I don't think so that much.  I donno. Right now I am looking forward to easter and the next weeks and months will play out how how his story will go.  We are leaning on God at every step and we know He knows how the journey will end, sometimes I wish he would clue us in to the next step!

Easter fun & crafts!

Ok, so I know perfectly well that a almost four month old can not do crafts...but we did them anyhow. Ok...I...we...? (whatever)...did an Easter craft. It was cute-I had seen this on pinterest, mostly for older children who don't bawl at you when you trace their hand (yep, that would be what String Bean did...)Here is a picture of the finished product-it is kinda cute, but also kinda basic-I donno...but guessing bd will appreciate it. Oh new term sorry...bd= biodad. Figured bd was better than daddy... so that is what we shall use. Anyhow...moving on, here is the picture!

So yeah, sorry it is sideways, but you get the idea.  So It is cute, but also somewhat ugly? Idk... 

We have also decided to give SB an easter basket, I feel that I should treat him as if he is mine, and if he was mine he would be getting an easter basket.  So I got some cute things for the basket, including a stuffed bunny, a toy & a sippy cup, since SB will be with us presumably for a while and it will thusly come in handy for him when he is old enough :)  Also if you look at the basket closely, you will not only see ripped tissue paper (thanks to my lovely cat....) and an empty space. I am hoping that I get the books I ordered almost a week ago tomorrow so they can be added to the basket.  

I wonder if BD has anything he is going to either give SB or ask me to give SB on easter... I guess I will find out soon.

Part of the reason I have been trying to keep myself busy is because I am very nervous of the visit tomorrow, I don't know why.... The unknowns? Looking to far into the future? Who knows... All I know is it is happening, so it should be interesting.

SB is growing up!

I can't believe how fast the last three months have gone. It seamed like just yesterday SB joined our family with lots of uncertainty. Things are still very uncertain with SB, but it has been a joy and a gift to have SB with us.  Although I love seeing SB doing new things-such as dancing/jumping in the jumparoo, and sitting supported and more, I wish for the baby things back!  I wish for the days when all SB wanted to do was snuggle and sleep in my arms. SB is one active little thing-on the move all the time when awake!  I can't believe how fast SB is growing-such a little sprout!

Happy & a little sad

So as we all know SB is our first placement. As a first placement (and child to begin with) we have ALOT of firsts. First time rolling over, first time smiling when I come to SB, first time standing with support, first time sitting with support, first time in a big boy jumper. You get the idea, a lot of firsts that a mama can be proud of. Well there is a first coming up that scares this adoptive mama. The first visit... with Daddy. I know it will be a long journey if everything works out perfect (which hello, this is child welfare here, not so perfect) These are "evaluation" visits. More so to see if Daddy is serious and to see what skills Daddy needs to work on.  We will see.  I am the type of person where I jump to the worse case scenario. That is where I am now. Oh ok, well I guess we need to deal with the fact that SB is going back to Daddy (again way to early to tell for sure). Or more likely in my case, letting go of the fact that we will probably adopt SB, which again is way to early to tell. I have to say I am more encouraged to work with Daddy after the recent visit from SB's worker.  I am still going to send off photos and we are going to work on a intro letter this weekend for our communication journal!  I am excited for the hopefulness I have now, but I know that could turn around.  So for now I am semi happy about the current visitation that "could" come up next week.  It probably will happen.  I am still trying to take it week and month by week/month.

Smiles to God

So this may be totally random, but here we go!  I have noticed that SB loves to look out the window and will occasionally smile at whatever SB see's.  I have taken to thought that SB is smiling to God. And lately SB has been looking outside and having this serious look of being deep in thought and communication. So now when SB does that I say "Oh are you talking to God? or is God talking to you"  I am loving every minute of SB. Such a gift to our family, even though we know that there will be challenges ahead.

3/25/12

Either I just don't understand some peoples thoughts/reasons, or vice versa.  Today was one such cases. We had a family event to go to. Towards the end of the event I brought out the pictures of SB for people to choose from.  I had still not totally decided what pictures I was going to hold back to give to SB's daddy.  I said that exact phrase when  I laid them out. Well some people just could not get why we are going to give SB's daddy a picture.  I have a hard time explaining that we (maybe mostly I) want to have somewhat of an open line of communication and photos in my mind are part of said open communication.  Pretty much I was starting to get upset when people excessively challenged our thought. I chose to leave the room, and eventually went outside to calm down.  Some family accepted our view and tried to support us.  But no matter what it is our choice, and we will be sending a few photos. We (hubby & I) don't believe that sending a few photos/note will all of a sudden sway a birth parents ability/plans for RU. Maybe I am wrong... I know the classes we have started to attend really recommend a communication journal and pictures for visits to make the whole process more open and have more communication.  I don't know. Hubby wants to talk to SB's worker before we commit to doing the letter. I think he is dreading it in some way, maybe thinking we have to over watch our writing so we don't come off to much adoption oriented.

I think even though we know this will be an ongoing process and will most likely take months/year(s?) to come to an end, many people, including the ones mentioned above think... "oh, SB has been with you for 3 months. SB doesn't know daddy. Don't the courts strive for what's best for SB right now? (um, not so much). It has been three months, SB has bonded (true, but SB is young enough that bonding with anyone who feeds & changes SB will bond at this young age).  Nothing is permanent till it is permanent.  Nothing is for sure until we sign. SB's family right now has to be given the benefit of the doubt. SB's family needs to be given a chance. Yes we have all screwed up royally at one time or another, but we were given a second or third chance.  I don't know what more to say...  I guess my heart is different from many in my family that I ultimately want SB to be loved and treated as SB should. I want what is best for SB.  And for right now (and maybe forever) SB would be best with us, but only time will tell.

Status Unknown

We are still in a holding pattern in regards to SB's future. And will be for a while.  I am looking forward (odly enough) to SB's permanency hearing in a few months.  Nothing is moving fast, which I knew would be the case, but one would think if one would want their child back they would move heaven & earth to get said child back-maybe I am wrong? Maybe people have different priorities?  I don't know.  

Today I did get somewhat sad news regarding SB's progress... lets just say SB will be getting continued development monitoring-although she kept reassuring me that I am doing everything fine and to not worry, they just have to make it sound worse/nit picky so SB qualifies...

So yeah that is about were SB is now. I am looking forward to Easter and being able to celebrate it with SB.  I am looking somewhat future forward as I believe as of right now he will be here till at least permanency hearing, but at the same time trying to not look to far into the future and to value every day/moment with SB.  Just in the few short months that SB has been with us, SB has grown and changed so much.  I appreciate the time God has given to us with this little one.  It sure has changed our life.

We shall see...aka... this is interesting...

So SB's worker came by for the scheduled visit. And again goes into that dad wants visits. I knew this would probably happen and doesn't mean he is leaving us...but I am just not knowing how or what to feel.  In one side of my head I am rolling around thoughts of what the heck do I pack for visits-although thanks to previous advice from a friend I have an idea.  Then comes the what the whoey do I write for our intro for our communication journal?   On the other more scarier side... does this mean dad may clean up his act and get SB back? Does dad love SB the way a daddy should?  And last kinda funny thing that I think most foster parents deal with... ok great, now I gotta figure out & distinguish daddy(bio) to dada/papa (hubby) more often with SB.   I know I over worry about this, but it is hard for me not to.  We know dad may not continue visits for very long... or he may just see what a beautiful child SB is & decide to put SB first in his life.  I guess we just have to wait and see and pray. At least SB will be with us for a while still.  Since SB's long term-ness with us is unknown I have been thinking more and more of having a half birthday for SB-so we can at least celebrate some version of a birthday with him... and if SB is here until the real bday great, then another party!

Oh, way back to original topic, I will be transporting, so it shouldn't be so so bad for SB when he has stranger anxiety, and we can build some sort of brief relationship through hand off of SB. But also maybe I am just trying to think positive of the visits that dad is entitled to.  Who knows.. just keeps us all & SB's family lifted up in prayer-we would appreciate it :)

The unknowns

Of Fostering.  About a month ago I started looking for an easter outfit for String Bean, but I chose to not buy anything because at that time I wasn't sure if I would have SB till then.  Nothing had been moving the plan, but I wasn't sure how fast things could turn around. In this case it was good that I waited, as I don't quit think SB will be in the size I thought SB would be in, and yes we get SB at least through easter :)

Future

So lately I have been thinking a lot about String Beans future, mostly if SB were to stay with us permanently. I really don't like thinking/talking about the future because if SB gets reunited with parents I don't want to have this life shattering feeling.  I have thought more and more on how I want SB to have some connection to birth family. I have felt / known since the begining of the fostering stuff that I want whoever we adopt to have connections to his/her family.  So I have been working in my head of how I would do it.  But it is way to soon to go beyond just thinking about it in my head.

Not Much

Not much is happening, that's why not much bloggy blog.  String Bean is still here, the case hasn't moved, and nothing much has changed.  Ugh, it kinda sucks though that we don't really know anything about the possibilities...it is like pulling teeth to get info from the worker....

We also added a bunch of names to the background check list-have I heard yeah or nay about these people yet...that would be a negative. I know they are busier now after the reorg. but some info would be lovely so I don't get my license taken away for having a currently not approved person as a babysitter....

Also, on another note... We got a call....For another placement.  We said no-for practicality reasons mostly.  String Bean's room has a crib and a twin bed-I do also have a pack n play-but that is really for emergencies/travel/naps/ect. So we are limited bed wise for placements. We also currently have a two month old-sooo yeah a sister sib group of 3day and 1 year are kinda out of the picture.  At first though I felt fine turning them down, but now I feel a little stressed that they may not find a home. I am sure they will, but still... I somewhat feel like I let them down.  In practicality we cannot have two more children. I would think about another baby or older - but right now, no to sibs...   Ah well, I guess I just need to let it go and focus on String Bean.

2/4/12

Sometimes I just think God is giving me the biggest test.  String Beans case isn't looking to good for us, there are still a lot of possible things to get worked out.  I haven't shed a tear for him yet, but I know it is on it's way soon.

Also, another "kicker" in my life, we got a letter from LSS. Some friends/readers may recall telling you that we submitted our "lottery ticket" to LSS private adoption drawing last year. Well drawing was had and what do you think happened? We were not selected, no real surprise.  Ah well, there is always next year right?

Sorry I am just in a glum mood in regards to String Bean's future with us. The longer he stays with us, the more I get attached to him. I guess I will just need to see how it goes. Take it one day at a time. Trying to cherish each day he is with us :)

Different views = good??

SB's GAL came by. She can commiserate with my mixed feelings. She has been on my side of the fence herself.  Makes me think a little more positive of SB's case. She didn't know about possible family.

So all in all I am a little happier after leaving this meeting. Some info was explained a bit more, and I was left with a little bit happier spirit. Again nothing is set in stone, and things could happen, but other things would have to have to happen first.

Visit

Today we had SB's worker over. Our hopes of a possible future with SB were somewhat dashed.  Biomom has stated she would like transfer of placement. There may be a possible semi related family member that may be willing to take SB. There are issues with this person so that would have to get figured out via courts.  Also possible bio dad appears to be more interested in the case.  We knew this may not be permanent placement but were somewhat at least hoping and praying. We are still hoping/praying, but our chances for finalization with him seems less and less likely.  I guess that would be good for SB to have roots-but it is sad to think SB may not be with us for long. I just need to remember to "keep my chin up" and stay positive with this stuff. We knew what we were getting into in theory when we started- now we aren't so sure we really realized how quickly we would get attached.  Praying people-keep us in prayer-thanks :)