I would die for that...

This is a really moving video that was forwarded to me as part of an IF support group a while back.  Just listen to it.  Lyrics are:

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret 
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive, 
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most 
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that. 
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that. 
I would die for That by Kellie Coffey

9/1/11

Ok so I don't exactly know what to title this post. This post is going to talk about my emotions and how I have been trying to choose happy mental health things over things that drag me down.  More specifically a situation that has come to the forfront. Some people who are reading this will know what I am about to talk about.

I have chosen to not go to my sil's shower because it is mentally very hard for me.  Now I am not doing this with a smile on my face and laughter. I am very sorry that I am not going. But in the end I told her it is in my better interest to not go.

Since finding out we couldn't have kids I have been invited to 3.5 baby showers. This will be the fourth. The half is a gift thing/dinner/end of group party for bible study so it wasn't a true shower.  I have attending two other actual showers. Both were so hard for me.  The first one I totally broke down before the shower even started.  I had to calm myself down and put on a happy face.  The other shower I was fine until the drive home, then I broke down.  Both of those were 8+ months ago.  The dinner/gift thing was a few months back and I was fine because it was not focused on baby. Just a gift presentation.

Some people may say I have not moved on. This is a loss that I don't think I will fully move on from. I have moved on from a lot. I have accepted that this was not my fault, there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. I have moved on from being bitter about people who are pregnant. Moved on for the most part on breaking down when someone announces their pregnancy. I have accepted that this is God's plan for me. I have accepted the sadness that my husband will not be a parent to a bio child of his own. I have really accepted and moved on from a lot of it.

The reason I chose to not to go to showers is because it is a loss of experiences. Shower's are focused all about the baby and the mother and the pregnancy.  And it just reminds me of what I will never have. I will never experience those things.

I will say that I am trying to see the peoples sides. I am trying to see how this may show how I haven't moved on and so on.

I donno, I mean I feel bad for not going but don't I also have a right to protect my heart? Also I do plan to have her over and give her gifts for her little one. Leave a comment below if you have one!

Recap, sorta

Tonight I chose to go to the monthly meeting/support group for infertility. I donno how I feel about the people there. I recognized one from the bible study I went to a while back, the leader of the meeting I didn't know and there was also another new person tonight. Everyone shared their story and where they were in the process. The host and I were both persueing adoption, another girl is just starting her IF journey after a medical illness was discovered, and another one is "exhausting all her options" (her words, not mine). It was a little odd for me, cuz my situation is different, and alot of the tests two of the girls were talking about I had no clue what they were.  We talked about different struggles that us IF people go through, especially things people say and so on. In the end it was nice, I will probably go to next months meeting, especially now that I have bitten the bullet and somewhat overcame my anxiety of it all.

Monday Blues...

So I have kinda been in a blah mood today. Probably still re-cooping from the party, but then again dunno.
I have decided to go to the meeting/support group. I am freaking out y'all. Some of you know that I chickened out for the meeting two months ago, and chickened out for last months meeting. I had a book club on the same day with girls from church and told the host I would be going to the support group instead. I was all ready to go too, but i didn't. I chickened out again. I know why to. I am a shy person soo that doesn't help, but my biggest fear is the people in the group saying I don't belong there or something along that line since my situation is different. I have not been ttc'ing for years and years, and have not had tests done, and have not had a lot of other things IF ladies have gone through. My IF is because I have a medical condition that I was born with so it is odd... But I am going, already told the lady I will be there. Also their group must be small, since she had sent a meeting cancelation announcement at the same time I had sent my rsvp to the meeting, so in the next few minutes the meeting went from on to canceled to back on again! so the three of us ladies will be meeting...I am so nervous...........
Also I am cleaning up from the party still, my mom and friend of MIL, and friend of fam and I did dishes, ok well all of them did dishes and cleaned tables, I just put dishes away. Still got to vaccuum and sweep and maybe mop the kitch. Possible steam clean my carpet in the LR since someone dropped cake on my carpet! :) We were both all laughs and smiles about it, it was actually kinda funny! Oh, so why I am I having to clean again? Chris is coming over again tommorow night :) yeah! So he plans to do a walk through and start the interview.   Oh I forgot I still need to make a fire escape plan and copy some papers for the guy... well better get to that! I will post a recap of tonights meeting so you know I didn't skip out again!!

The Weekend

A quick recap of my weekend would be frantic cleaning on friday, frantic cooking on friday and frantic set up on saturday. Also I was quit busy during the day on saturday when people were coming over. I got to spend sporatic amounts of time with groups of people. Spent some indoor time with the people with munchkins (yeah the planned tent thing didn't work out... way to hot) spent time with church people, spent time with relatives and fam and friends.I had previously thought I'd make some grand announcement and thanking our references and saying a prayer around the time food was to come out, but um instead it was a "food is done, come and get it." But it was a good day, we had a few new couples come to our house that were friends/church people that haven't seen Casa De Stittleburg, so that was cool.

Today I spent the day reading, watching TV with hubby, eating left overs, and reading blogs, actually a lot of new blogs. That is kinda were my post is coming from tonight. I had a now semi rare flair up of emotions tonight. I am on the hunt for IF blogs or blogs of people pursueing fostering/adoption to follow. I found a couple, but it seams like at least a third of the IF/ttc blogs that I found the people are preggo. And I had a hard twinge on jealousy even though I don't know these people i was still pretty jealous of them.  I don't know why I felt that way..well ok I guess  kinda do, but I should have moved on. I have moved on. Ok, really I am moving on. I was jealous, shed a very few tears and moved on, to writing this post.  Tommorow I am going to support group, I will bite the big bullet of "I'm weird" "I'm Alone" "My situation is strange compared to most" and go to the support group.  I think...