Back Home!

So this is just a quickie update blog. I am finally back home from my vaca. It was an interesting ride for sure.  The drive was horridly long, but we enjoyed ourselves at Cape Cod. I also got to spend some time with cousins I haven't really visited with in 5 years. I saw them at my Grandma's funeral, but there were so many people there we didn't really get a chance to chit chat a year and a half ago.  The weather was just eh, first half of the week in the 60's and kinda cloudy, the last half nice sunny and HOT. We only got a chance to go to the beach once, we froze our butts off but somehow I also got sunburned. We were also at the beach when it was being filmed for the Nations top ten beaches that aired on the today show, but no we did not make it in the clip (um, thank goodness!!) Other than relaxing and my hubby being a reading freak (he read two and a half twilight books while on the cape... need I say more?!!) nothing to exciting happened. Oh I did get sick, AGAIN... but nothing more serious happened.  I currently have a few topics of wich I would like to create a full blog about. One being about money and happiness, and another being my story that I keep saying I want to share, but haven't. I have another percolating about failure again, and me trying to take steps to over come that failure, but I am not sure how to write that one yet...

It is nice to be home. On a side note, I have been in a car for the past ten hours, so has my husband. I have been home for like two hours and I have just now realized my husband is wearing his printed t-shirt backwards ...has been the whole day... I'm laughing right now :)

5/19/11

So i am amazed I have nothing to do. I have no more packing, no more laundry (totally amazing), and nothing else trip related left for me to do. Um, ok so I kinda lied. We still have to pack our electronic bag, and being the techie geeks that we are, we will have alot of stuff. But most will be hubby's. I will just be adding the lappy and camera to the bag!!

So this week was good, but crazy busy. Emotions were in check most of the week. I had a little cry on monday after my first infertility group meeting/bible study. It was more of a happy cry of finding people who were talking about situations that I have been in on this IF journey.

I got the great opportunity to go to lunch with a friend on wednesday. I must say I was pretty worried about what would be talked about, and most especially breaking down and crying in front of her. I try to keep my tears to my self.  I ended up doing really good. I could feel the tears coming at one point, but I held em back!  Thank you friend for being a friend. You really got me to think about a lot of stuff. Especially the fact about God loving me  and hubby loving me even though we can't have our own kids.  Thank you for that. I had really struggled with the hubby part because I  felt like a failure, like I blogged about. And because of a few other reasons that I will not go into here that got us a little off track connectedness wise.  I keep rehearing you say, He loves you, he really does. I needed to hear that. Also, I decided to take another step on my walk with Christ. I had been looking for a few weeks for a good devotional/daily reading plan, I ended up starting a daily devotional plan on Youversion (life church's bible website) by Rick Warren. I am on day two.. we shall see how good I stick to this.  Also, bought myself a notebook, and I am gonna try the journaling you talked about.  I had been using a journal for prayers so am used to journaling to some degree. And also I decided after our lunch that I am gonna write my parents a letter while I am gone about how I feel about them not bringing up the emotional aspects I am dealing with regarding IF and adoption. So again thanks!

This weekend we are driving to the cape and to NH next weekend for a relaxing and reconnecting vacation. I am really looking forward to it!! Especially seeing my relatives next week.  Hubby gets to hopefully  meet my cousins for the first time (i think!)  so it will be good.  I had originally thought limited wifi through my cell phone, but I found out they have wifi at the vcape house! yeah yeah yeah!!  Ok, I'm a little to addicted to the internet   ....   and WoW!!  But I will get a chance to update my blog if I get some alone time.  I also have LOTS of reading planned for this trip!!  So for now I will say adieu! I still have a blog working about my story... It might get up this next week, maybe!

Oh, fyi for those that don't know my abbreviations I listed in this post and others, here are the two.   IF-infertility   WoW - World of Warcraft. Ok so hope that clears those up! :)

Wait By:Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

I heard this poem for the first time today at the Resolve/Infertility Bible study. Makes you think.

Monday Affirmations

This weekend was really good. I got to hang out with friends for a chili off (we didn't win, we weren't expecting to either!) got to hang out with my new bud - a 6 month old little guy and hang out with his friend who is 2 months.  Sunday was good, we originally had plans but the friend backed out which was ok, I had a nice day to read and relax, oh yeah and play a little WoW.  Also the service was really good, I really connected with it. And we watched a video that I was totally able to connect with about scars. I recently finished reading a really good book on overcoming compulsive overeating. It is by Geneen Roth and called Women, Food & God. I could totally connect with alot of it and plan to make copies of a few pages before I have to return it to the library.  The next read on my list is Dear Birthmother, actually I am a quarter of the way through it already.  So this week I am deciding to take the first step to overcoming my ED, it will be small but that is ok.  Small steps lead to success. I will be not writing down what I am eating, but why I am eating it and really paying attention to the why. I eat a lot of times because of boredom, or other emotions, but boredom is predominate.  Eating because of a feeling isn't why we are supposed to eat, I know this and have known it but it just never seemed right to me.  So on top of writing why I am eating I am going to try to remember these three affirmations:

1.I am precious in the sight of God

2. I am beautiful

3.Fear is only a feeling; it cannot hold me back

I have also been getting more in the Word, Been focusing the last few days on Romans 12, specifically 12:12, but the whole chapter is good.

This week will be crazy, so I am not sure I will be blogging, but at the same time I may blog more just to find peace and relax, I am getting ready for a cross country drive and trip to MA & NH, really looking forward to it the chance to see some relatives I haven't seen in a while.

Fear of Failing...

So a few days ago I talked about failure and the fact that it is a huge emotion for me.  Well I also fear failing like many people I guess.  I fear taking that first step because I might fail and be disappointed in the end. So instead of trying and taking that first step I just don't do anything.  A huge step was starting this blog. I felt I would fail by no body reading it or it not being true to myself or many other silly things. Well I realized it doesnt matter if anyone reads this (although that is nice!) because this is for me. This is a place for me to put my thoughts somewhere. It may be crazy, sad, strange thoughts but they are mine and I need to claim it as such.

I do struggle with thoughts of failure alot.  I was recently reminded recently that I should look into doing more graphic artist stuff since I am good at it and I could get paid. Well I had thought about it, a year ago maybe, made up example cards even to list on etsy. I even created an account and a store. But did I list anything? No. Why? Fear of failure. Who would really buy these i thought? There are so many other people selling similar things, why would they choose mine?  The questions and self critisism goes on.  Sorry Nike, but i think I just gotta take the leap and Just do it.

So this week my goal is to list some items on etsy, I will I tell ya!

I also have a blog percolating that is hard for me. I as the writer would like to share to you the reader more about me, how I have come to be who I am. It is long and covers touchy subjects. I am not sure I will have the guts to post it though...

-Tracy

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Just a rant...

Ok, warning this blog is a rantish, so be warned. It is IF related as well.  Oh and hello ladies from church who might be reading this :)

So today I was reminded of how alone I feel in this whole IF situation... Yes there are support groups and books to read, but sometimes I just wish some people would talk to me about how I am feeling. Specifically the women in my life (mom & sister more spacific).  I sometimes feel like an out cast in my own family. My dad tries to make small talk about it and does ok with it.  In some ways I am happy I am not asked what I am feeling about the whole situation, because I know I would just be ball of tears.  I have moved on somewhat from where I was emotionally over this whole thing, it is just talking about it to my parents tends to bring out the emotional side of me...   Ahhh... But i really wish my mom would bring it up. I guess maybe she doesn't know how to bring it up. I give her tons of chances to talk about it, I have told her about friends that are preggers and she asks about them, but hasn't asked how I feel about my situation. Ok maybe I am selfish in wanting to talk about this with her but yet not really being able to bring it up myself. Hmm what to do, what to do.

Finding Happiness in my own Skin

So if you got through my rambly blog yesterday, I applaud you!  I want to reiterate that this blog I want to be more of a serious blog. Of me learning to over come my failures, learning to love myself, and making me a better/happier me. I chose to write a new blog after reading a friends blog about feircly loving herself.  I stated yesterday that loving myself feircly is something I just don't do, never have really. And I need to change that.  So here goes todays post.

I have never been happy in my own skin.  I was a chubby kid the minute I was born.  A lot of unhappiness about my body was caused by well meaning comments by family.  Now, I am not putting the full blame on them. I could have been the type of person to hear comments and just shove them off as BS.  I didn't. I didn't exactly take the comments to heart, but it is one of those situations of hearing it so many times you believe it.  I was never out right told I was fat by my family, but there are comments and actions that really stuck.  I remember one such action. I don't remember how old I was, but I was pretty young.  I remember my mom and I going through my closet like we did once or twice a year to see what I had grown out of.  I remember that I was trying on a pair of pants that were to long, but to small around the waist at the same time.  I remember her saying something about needing to watch what I eat because I shouldnt be growing out of 6x pants yet.  That is just one memory.

I was always a fat kid, but yet I developed an eating disorder that I really haven't discovered until this past year or so. I am a food addict. Wow, that was hard to admit actually.  I am addicted to food, I turn to food for comfort, I don't have a healthy relationship with food.  I don't want to put the blame on anyone here, but I think I developed my eating disorder over time from constantly being on a diet.  I was on a diet my whole life.  The food I ate was watched closely. My solace was hot lunch at school. Yeah my parents knew I was eating hot lunch, but they seamed to be ok with it. At home food was closely monitored. I was not allowed treats or snacky foods except on super rare occasions even though the food was in the house and when I did get the opportunity to eat snack foods I would over eat.  One occasion, my parents were going out somewhere and they had gotten me a babysitter. They had bought a bag of cheetos- for the babysitter, but I ended up eating half the bag myself.  At that time I don't recall feeling shame over eating the cheetos. But over time I have felt shame over "indulging" (bingeing) on food.  And the shame is usually what starts the self esteem roller coater for me.  I feel shame over eating a container of hagen daz or the package or cookies or whatever, disbelieve that I did that, tell my self how stupid/ugly/worthless I am.  Then I go on a diet, stick to it for a while, indulge in something else and ride starts all over.

Because I have an unhealthy relationship to food, I also have an unhealthy relationship to dieting. As said above I am always on a diet, always was. I think a lot of it has been to make my parents happy.  To me (and how screwed up is this... I am just realizing as I type this) that for my parents to be happy with me I need to be smaller, my weight needs to be low for them to be happy for me.  I know that sounds crazy, but that is how my brain works.   But I really do think this.  A prime example was over my anniversary again this year.  I had talked to my mom about what hubby and I were planning to do for our anniversary, I said "oh probably going out somewhere like Olive Garden or Cheesecake Factory" and she says oh, sounds good, remember to watch what you eat so you stay on your diet. I didn't say anything but I was pissed that she couldn't just be happy/excited for us and leave it as that.  Maybe I am nuts for over thinking this, but that is again just how I am.

So as the title states I am trying to find happiness in my own skin.  I look in the mirror and all I see is chubby arms, no chest, tummy rolls, pants indent marks, large thighs, large calfs... I know this is sad, I am reading my list and am sad just looking at it, but that is what I see.  I need to look at the better parts of me, the very few things I like about myself.  I like my eyes (pathetic I know)  They have a cool green brown blue thing going on, and I like my feet. My feet are odd, fat and flat, but when I angle em just right they look skinny and boney and I can see veins close to the surface, they look pretty almost.  Sad that those are the only two things I can think of off hand that I like. I need to embrace my body as beautiful no matter the shape.  I need to learn to be happy with me just the way I am. I will with time.  I need to be ok with losing weight for me, for my health and no body else, because really it only effects me and my health. At the same time I need to stop the shame game. Stop feeling bad for eating "a bad" food.  That junk food can actually be consumed in moderation. That I should enjoy my food, and lastly that happiness does not relate to the number on the scale...  I also need to remember I was made in HIS image, I was made for HIS glory, and I am WORTH IT to HIM.

Feel Like a Failure

Ok, so I will start this off by saying this post will probably be pretty raw, I have been trying to work through some emotions this past week. I was doing really good until this weekend for a couple reasons.  Please bear with the probable rambling...

Failure.  This is an emotion I struggle with often.  I have a hard time seeing the things I have accomplished, easier to see my failures.  I feel like a failure on many levels now and recently.  I recently got let go from a job that I looked forward to.  I had been there only 30ish days and actually enjoyed what I did. Which is an accomplishment for me. I was let go for semi unknown reasons. They claimed finances were an issue, but I am not sure that is the whole story.  When I got let go I was really upset. Upset with my old boss and upset with myself. For a day or two I thought about all the stuff that could have caused me to be a failure there.  I came up with: doesn't type fast enough, dressed too fancy, worked too fast and thusly had extra time with nothing to do some days, don't smoke, and of course not pretty enough/over weight.  I didn't look at the good things that happened there such as: I got to meet new people, got to dress up and look nice, got to semi reconnect with a HS classmate I worked with, did work that was enjoyable to me.    This was a stepping stone job for me and I have to leave it as such.

Another way I have/ currently feel like a failure is also on the job front.  I used to work for the family business, with the family.  I quit a while back because I was always upset for one reason or another.  Working with the family is not easy. I would constantly be getting into fights with my sister over one thing or another. It got to be too much for me emotionally.  I had to weight the pros and cons of working with the family. Unfortunately my husband and I  suffered because I wasn't bringing home a paycheck, but my mental/emotional health was more important to me.   That may be looked at as selfish, or or how lucky they are that they can afford that.  Let me tell you it is not something I am proud of. I am not proud that I wasn't contributing money to my household.  I am not proud that I felt horrible every time I spent my husbands hard earned money on something not essential.  But I was a lot happier being away from all the drama.

This past weekend was surprisingly hard for me.  I did not think the whole mother's day thing would affect me, it didn't last year even though last year around this time is when we found out how much it would cost for us to even try to conceive kids.  I thought last year would be bad, but it wasn't bad at all.  This year has been really hard.  as stated in the previous post many of our friends have recently given birth to children and some other relatives have had children.  This anniversary will be remembered because it was an anniversary and we found out some news that really hurt me to the core for some reason, even though I should have been happy.  I am still trying to work through why I felt so hurt and I cant exactly write about it because the announcement hasn't been made public by the people who shared the news.  I just feel like a failure as a wife and women in this area.  As a wife that is just something you plan on. Something that is sort of "the plan" - meet a guy, fall in love, get married, start a family, grow old together.  And when you struggle to start a family you totally feel like a failure.  I sometimes ask myself why hubby is still with me since I cant have any of his kids. Why would a guy want to stay with someone who he cant make a family with. But then I remember why we got married. We got married because we loved each other so much. We loved each other no matter what the obstacles would be.  On days when I am hurting, I am glad I have him there to comfort me. To be by my side an tell me it's ok, we will be ok. That is what we did on our anniversary this year, celebrated, cried and cuddled.

Ok, well I think I blogged enough tonight. I am crying over what I wrote, silly me.  I did not plan this blog to be a poor me blog, or a everything Infertility blog. I want it to be a journal of sorts. One that I can write my thoughts and move on. I was really motivated by a friends blog to start this one. She is blogging about loving herself fiercly, and I really believe that is important to learn to do. I know I don't love myself fiercly and can grow in that area.  I future blog I am working on is about being comfortable in my own skin... should be interesting.

Finding sadness in their joy...

My husband said something regarding this recently to me. We had just found out that someone from church was having a baby. I had also found out that a family relative was having a baby too.  I was upset, why not me.  So many of our friends and some of my relatives have had babies recently. They are awesome little people, but it is so hard being an on looker who so dearly wants to start a family.  It was really hard for me to see the joy that this kind of news brings to couples.  I want to be happy for them, really i do but it is just so hard to overlook my "not fair" thinking.  I know that is childish to think it isnt fair, but that is how it is right now.   It is hard to see these families starting and to think I will never have that opportunity. I will never be able to say "oh you have daddys eyes" or " you have uncle james red hair" or things like that.  I know that may seem silly, but that is a loss I feel.   It is a different feeling I think than raising an adopted child. It is a maternal connection I think that I will never have.  Ok, a little back story goes here I guess.  My name is Tracy and I have infertility due to a medical condition I was born with.

So I am lucky that I don't have the constant monthly sadness of loosing a little life or the chance at that life. But I do have the occasional sadness that comes when I find out someone else is having a baby.

I do need to be joyful for these couples, and I know with Gods help it will be easier.  Currently I have done a lot of focus on Jeremiah 29:11. I was a recent women's retreat verse, but I have been keeping close at hand lately.

This blog is...

...my attempt at working through becoming a better me. A happier me. So hang on for the ride!