Dear Grandpaents of my Son...

Thank you for being the caring grandparents I know you are.  D loves you and that is mostly what matters. 

But I am a little pissed. I cant actually write you because you wouldn't get it. You wouldn't get my anger, and I don't have the time or patience to explain it.

D has autism. Just please believe me. You may say "oh just wait till he is 5 to make any decisions" or "he seems to be doing so good" or " He's only 2 you can't know for sure"

We know for sure.

You spend 20 hrs with him & think you know him so well.  Do you pay attention to him toe walking... or toe running? That is a characteristic of ASD. Do you see him flitting from one toy to another with not much actual pretend play? That is a characteristic of ASD.  Do you notice how, while he has some words, he doesn't have as many as he should? Do you know by age 2 he should have a minimum of 50 words? D has maybe 25...  Do you also see him flapping his arms while excited?  Or how if he goes into any unfamiliar surrounding he gets upset? Or see him pat all the flowers instead of swimming in his play pool?  Or lining up his cars or farm animals just right?  Or see him arrange & rearrange his toys in his crib? Do you see me calling his name 3 or 4 times before he looks IF he looks? I didn't think so...  You just don't see it. You don't see the other characteristics of autism.  You see the lack of words.  You tease because we encourage him to talk with his hands (asl) or voice.  You complain when we change his food.  We are his parents. We are the ones taking care of him day in & day out.  Please don't feel you know best with him. Please shut up when I give MY son dairy free items or eventually gluten free items.  I am just tired of it all.  Parenting D is hard. I am guessing you havent taken him to a play center to have him promptly run off & ignore you as if you didn't exsist.  I have to mentally prepare for taking my son to things like this. 

Also side note... stop telling me two so close together is hard.  Yes it is hard, it is what I chose. I love my boys to the moon & back.  I am happy at how our family was built.  Your kids were 8 yrs apart... so you have no idea how it REALLY is.  Also while I am ranting... WTH right do you think you have to tell me how many children we should have/adopt? That is hubby & my decision ALONE! I realize kids are pricey & I realize that they are a lot of work, but you have absolutely no right to tell me how big our family should be.  UGH... I am done ranting.....  Hoping to put up a review of a dairy free cheese we have tried soon!

WIC...

Has been one of the biggest annoyance with this whole fostering stuff.  Seriously.

First off, I want to say that I generally do not support the public assistance programs as I feel there are way to many people who are getting away abusing the system.  I will say there are true cases of need out there, and in those cases, there needs to be support, and at this time the PA programs are the best the country has to help...

I am going to sound hypocritical, so skip over if what I am going to say may tick you off.

I am super thankful that SB is eligable to be on WIC. Because he is a foster child, he is eligable...no questions asked. Ok well they do ask questions...but you get the idea.  So SB is a youngin and requires formula to thrive.   So that is what is provided through the WIC office. He will also be eligable for jarred baby food in two months (they start when SB is 6mos...) and eventually real food. Which will be nice, but really we wont need the help with providing.  The formula as many of you know is pricey. We could pay for it, but it would be hard on our wallet to spend about $125 a month just on formula.  Anyhow, that's not really what I am writing about.

I am writing on how I feel like the biggest turd (for lack of a better word) when I go to WIC, mostly because of how I feel like I am abusing the system somehow & also because of how I am treated by the workers at the WIC office.

Until a worker reads the info that SB is a foster kid, I am treated like some mother who doesn't work & wants the government to pay my way. Sigh... SB and I have the same skin tone, so they don't know he is foster until they read the chart.  But still I get treated like some uneducated mother.  This last time I picked up the checks, I also had to take a "class."  The class was a section of a binder I had to read in regards to how & what to feed baby.  I guess this may have been informative to some, but I knew a lot of it already.  I am wondering why they want me to read about food when I wont be getting checks for baby food until SB is 6mo-maybe they think I will be starting at 4-5mo?  The other thing, after looking at baby food that is available now, I have decided to make a lot of SB's food & supplement with jarred food.  I also plan to make food that is not eligible to even be bought with wic checks, such as peaches.... yep you can't get baby peaches on wic in my state because they believe the higher sugar content in baby food peaches can lead to diabetes or obesity....yep you heard me right.

So also this last time I got in trouble for forgetting to have my hubby sign the signature card (if he signs, he can also pick up the formula at a store). I felt like a little 2nd grader getting in trouble for something.  I tried to pursuade the lady that I just forgot-ya know since I have visits & case worker visits & birth-3 visits and so on to think of, and I forgot to have him sign.  She finally gave in after a few tries, and says if he doesn't sign this month, she will take him off... The first thing I had hubby do that night-sign the damn card...

Grr sorry for my WIC rant...

3/25/12

Either I just don't understand some peoples thoughts/reasons, or vice versa.  Today was one such cases. We had a family event to go to. Towards the end of the event I brought out the pictures of SB for people to choose from.  I had still not totally decided what pictures I was going to hold back to give to SB's daddy.  I said that exact phrase when  I laid them out. Well some people just could not get why we are going to give SB's daddy a picture.  I have a hard time explaining that we (maybe mostly I) want to have somewhat of an open line of communication and photos in my mind are part of said open communication.  Pretty much I was starting to get upset when people excessively challenged our thought. I chose to leave the room, and eventually went outside to calm down.  Some family accepted our view and tried to support us.  But no matter what it is our choice, and we will be sending a few photos. We (hubby & I) don't believe that sending a few photos/note will all of a sudden sway a birth parents ability/plans for RU. Maybe I am wrong... I know the classes we have started to attend really recommend a communication journal and pictures for visits to make the whole process more open and have more communication.  I don't know. Hubby wants to talk to SB's worker before we commit to doing the letter. I think he is dreading it in some way, maybe thinking we have to over watch our writing so we don't come off to much adoption oriented.

I think even though we know this will be an ongoing process and will most likely take months/year(s?) to come to an end, many people, including the ones mentioned above think... "oh, SB has been with you for 3 months. SB doesn't know daddy. Don't the courts strive for what's best for SB right now? (um, not so much). It has been three months, SB has bonded (true, but SB is young enough that bonding with anyone who feeds & changes SB will bond at this young age).  Nothing is permanent till it is permanent.  Nothing is for sure until we sign. SB's family right now has to be given the benefit of the doubt. SB's family needs to be given a chance. Yes we have all screwed up royally at one time or another, but we were given a second or third chance.  I don't know what more to say...  I guess my heart is different from many in my family that I ultimately want SB to be loved and treated as SB should. I want what is best for SB.  And for right now (and maybe forever) SB would be best with us, but only time will tell.

Interesting... :)

I haven't blogged in a few days. I have been busy. The last two days I have been prepareing a room for String Bean to come home.  Ah, yes that means we got matched again with a child. This child seams to cause fear of our parenting skills by my family-thanks for the vote of confidence! lol!  So social worker called hubby since my cell was off, and I tend to not answer #'s I don't recognize on the home phone. He got the info, called me. We said yes. We met String Bean thursday at the hospital, saw him again friday. Got his official "Placement Folder" Lets just say it has been one roller coaster ride so far! lol! We are excited by how he is pretty much welcomed by everyone.

So this brings me to my other comment. I don't know how to say this exactly.  So with being matched with him and needing supplies, a lot of people had said they would throw a shower for us once we get settled. My mother wanted something now(she thinks we are still missing a lot of things? ) - even though I think she bought us a lot of the impending nessesities. A lot of big things could get purchased....but I donno. I did accept my mother's friend to host a "meet & tea" (i think that is what she called it) with some bridge group friends of my mom. My whole issue is I feel weird asking for stuff, because he is not guaranteed to stay with us.  No family has come forward-he will legally be a ward of the state (foster child) on wednesday. But a family MAY come forward at any time, and things bought would probably end up going to them, since anything you buy for them is theirs no matter if they stay or if they move away.  I think I may just ask for a few things-I donno.  Erat-if you read this or the message, could you respond.... thanks!

So one last thing. I received my first negative comment about fostering. I think it was told to hubby then retold to me.  All I can say is, yes I am sure it will be hard if we have to let him go. But he deserves someone to be upset and heartbroken about him if he leaves, he hasn't had that much love from his bio family.  

Ca freaking razy

As the days go I am getting more and more upset/frustrated. No news today. I love how our social worker lies to us.  He may very well not know anything, but stick to what you said about calling us everyday to give us the case info. Or at the very least don't freaking ignore responding to my email ALL DAY.   I emailed him at 11:30am, no word back @ 6pm. He was in the office today.  In some ways I really don't like our social worker.  But I can't do anything about it, I'm stuck. I wish I knew contact info for his supervisor, so if say I want to get info I have someone to contact... It is so frustrating.  And I can totally understand someone being over busy(as sw's normally are) but then don't promise you'll call us on monday with news or tell us you'll let us know of new info everyday.   I am really starting to break down again this week- and it is only monday. I just want to know, I hate this state of huge limbo.  The later it is decided for him, the harder it will be for him and us to enjoy christmas. The later it gets decided, the later we decide if we are canceling aruba. The later we cancel aruba, the less chance m&d will get all their money back.  I know the process to figure out his placement now is hard, but come on- just figure it out already.

Really???!!

There has got to be a book or website or something to point people to when they say the stupidest thing...  I am so amazed at the somewhat rude comments people have said to us. Unfortunately most of these people are the ones closest to us... our family.  Maybe I am just seeing these as rude comments when they ment it to be constructive criticism.

When we told the fam about Sprout, we pretty much were bombarded with Your not prepared, your not ready type of comments.  We have said we are ready, and we might be naive at saying this, but we are saying "we are prepared" while still fully knowing that really we don't know what we are getting into.  I just thought it was rude that that was pretty much everyones first comment instead of congratulating us/asking more about Sprout.

The other OMG rude comment was the other day when I told someone close to me the updated case info. This person came back with " You know I think it would be easier if you were to be placed with a child just entering the sytem" compared to a child that has been with his momma for 2ish years, then a foster mom for about that long, then possible to us.  Ummmm....ok.... we will just think that through maybe a little more. Yes getting a child just removed from the parents will be so much better.(sarcasm).

 

Is it better to...

Portray Christ's love through actions to non-believers or to push the word down their throats? That is the question of the night. I am going to try to not poke judgement at anyone, but a few people who may read this will know who I am referencing.

This past weekend we went to a party for Hubby's uncle's birthday. It was a really nice gathering, some people we knew and a lot we didn't. But that was ok.  One family member in particular has a tendency to be preoccupied on converting non-believers.  Now, in general I don't have an issue with trying to convert people to a faith.  But it is one thing to repetitively push down the facts of the bible down peoples throats and tell them that they are going to hell if they don't believe, and another to show christianity  through your actions.

Ok, so maybe I need to give my view of converting people here. And religion in general.  I will freely admit I have back sliden in my beliefs. I am not as strong a christian as I was in college, when I first got saved (or accepted Christ into my heart (whichever one you prefer...)). I know what the bible says about going to hell if your not saved. I also know what the bible says about being a friend to the friend less, helping the helpless and so on.  In my personal view (which some people may not agree with, and I am ok with that... but just hear me out) you can be whatever faith you want to be. If you believe in a higher power-great! If not, I can help you understand a little more the christian faith, but I don't want to force anyone to believe something. You need to feel it in your heart. Also just because you don't "visually" practice (go to church, etc.) doesn't mean a person doesn't believe.  I have become so much more understanding of people and their faith's over the years.  I personally went from not really knowing whats out there but being raised catholic, going to catholic HS, celebrating catholic "rituals" then going to college and finding out you can have a personal relationship with Christ. Was never taught that in catholic church. In college became "born again" (I don't exactly like that term) and was baptized as an adult into the faith. I have been practicing the bible believing christian faith since then.  But ultimately if you tell me one day that your Jewish or Islamic or Mormon I will say ok and be the best friend I can be to you.

I think the best way to "convert" someone to the faith is to be an example.  To show Christ's immeasurable love. To just be a good person.  I am not sure if this made sense to a lot of people. But this has been on my mind of late.  Also just because it is really hard to enjoy the holidays and such with this person because you can't just celebrate. If it's family gathering time it is "unclean converting time." Which saddens me. Hubby hasn't really been able to just have fun or hang out with this family member because every time we are in the same place with this person it is share the gospel and convert time.  Ok my rant is done.

Rant on Bias

Ok, total rant ahead. Mostly against my hubby to, which I try really hard not to do on this blog. But tonight/today his bias to things REALLY came to a head.
I do not feel I am to biased on the choice of race ect for our foster 2 adopt kiddo.  I know that I do NOT want an ICWA kiddo (indian kiddo) because of the risk that an indian tribe may try to claim that child as their own at anytime up until the day of legal adoption. That is way to much risk for me. Having a child placed, then ICWA notified and them doing nothing until the day before my child becomes mine legally, and deciding that they would be better off raised on an indian reservation somewhere else in the state is not what I want to deal with. Other than this I feel I am open (medical issues I am fairly set on what I am not open to). Maybe my bias's are so buried that I don't really know if it is a bias, but for now I am gonna assume I don't have bias's.  My thought and phrase I have mentioned to hubby is "A child in need is a child in need no matter the race." I have briefly mentioned before the african american side of things, the newest is he is thinking he only wants a singleton or a lone sibling group (like those are the only two siblings) because he doesn't want to deal with the cultural/socio economic aspect of having to deal with explaining why we have more money than their other sibs and the possible ecouragement of theivery by their not wealthy sibs. And then he brings up inheritance. Really hubbs, really?  And how the other sibs of the f2a kid may abuse/mis treat adult kid when we are gone because they have all this inheritance. um ok. I guess that is something to think about, but in general I would hope our kid (who would be 50+ ish) would know how to handle themselves in such a situation. It just really erks me, sometimes I think "did you really think of how this would be before we signed up..."   Maybe I am looking to much at the roses and not enough at the thorns, but I really think that his bias is not good.  hmmph, maybe I can get hubbs to blog his side...