Today

I am just an emotional ball of nerves. Why-I really don't know. Well Ok I kinda know... my SB had another visit, a visit to which he is entitled to. A visit to which makes me feel more and more like we are going to loose this "sure thing."

Things still have to get worked out in court, definitions and requirements have to be decided. It is early.

Their buying him an excer-saucer or jumper from the goodbye convo.

They are trying...

No previous rules put into effect are being monitored...that is as far as I can tell.

I really need to learn to walk in faith, God knows what he is doing. God knows what is right. It is scary to walk in faith & not knowing what is going to happen.

Have a feeling God heard my prayer early on...challenge us... Yeah that would be what I prayed-crazy huh? He sure listened.

Sorry this is so rambly-just my thoughts coming out after today's visit.

Visit...

So my anxiety was at high levels this morning. I had to prepare for the visit, I had to prepare SB for the visit.  I had to mentally & emotionally prepare for visit.

Well I got to the location a few minutes early & met eith SB's CW who rang the doorbell three times...no answer each time. I thought "Yes, maybe the visit will get postponed & I wont have to deal with the unknowns yet!"  Well CW called BD and he answered, doorbell not working...crap I gotta hand him off after all.

So I handed the bubs off to bd, get introduced by sw, friendly hello's given all around. I leave as soon as it seams right to leave.  When I came back, bd was diapering the bubs. He was apperantly very appreciative of how well we took care of the little man.  SW made a comment that bm & bd said they liked how many cute outfits we had for bubs.  Cw was really happy with all the thought we put into the things in SB's diaper bag (communication journal w/intro note, TONS of pictures, disp camera for them to take pictures during visits & a easter craft I did)

All in all I am a little less anxious about visits, and really trying not to focus on the future to much. It is hard though since much of my family seems to be, I just don't want them to be too hurt in the end if SB goes home with bd... I see some members of my fam already struggling with SB seeing bd... Some family say the kids dont understand when they are this little and if RU happens SB will be wanting me and not bd. I am not so sure-at this point, yes... but as the relationship grows (if it grows) then I don't think so that much.  I donno. Right now I am looking forward to easter and the next weeks and months will play out how how his story will go.  We are leaning on God at every step and we know He knows how the journey will end, sometimes I wish he would clue us in to the next step!

Easter fun & crafts!

Ok, so I know perfectly well that a almost four month old can not do crafts...but we did them anyhow. Ok...I...we...? (whatever)...did an Easter craft. It was cute-I had seen this on pinterest, mostly for older children who don't bawl at you when you trace their hand (yep, that would be what String Bean did...)Here is a picture of the finished product-it is kinda cute, but also kinda basic-I donno...but guessing bd will appreciate it. Oh new term sorry...bd= biodad. Figured bd was better than daddy... so that is what we shall use. Anyhow...moving on, here is the picture!

So yeah, sorry it is sideways, but you get the idea.  So It is cute, but also somewhat ugly? Idk... 

We have also decided to give SB an easter basket, I feel that I should treat him as if he is mine, and if he was mine he would be getting an easter basket.  So I got some cute things for the basket, including a stuffed bunny, a toy & a sippy cup, since SB will be with us presumably for a while and it will thusly come in handy for him when he is old enough :)  Also if you look at the basket closely, you will not only see ripped tissue paper (thanks to my lovely cat....) and an empty space. I am hoping that I get the books I ordered almost a week ago tomorrow so they can be added to the basket.  

I wonder if BD has anything he is going to either give SB or ask me to give SB on easter... I guess I will find out soon.

Part of the reason I have been trying to keep myself busy is because I am very nervous of the visit tomorrow, I don't know why.... The unknowns? Looking to far into the future? Who knows... All I know is it is happening, so it should be interesting.

Happy & a little sad

So as we all know SB is our first placement. As a first placement (and child to begin with) we have ALOT of firsts. First time rolling over, first time smiling when I come to SB, first time standing with support, first time sitting with support, first time in a big boy jumper. You get the idea, a lot of firsts that a mama can be proud of. Well there is a first coming up that scares this adoptive mama. The first visit... with Daddy. I know it will be a long journey if everything works out perfect (which hello, this is child welfare here, not so perfect) These are "evaluation" visits. More so to see if Daddy is serious and to see what skills Daddy needs to work on.  We will see.  I am the type of person where I jump to the worse case scenario. That is where I am now. Oh ok, well I guess we need to deal with the fact that SB is going back to Daddy (again way to early to tell for sure). Or more likely in my case, letting go of the fact that we will probably adopt SB, which again is way to early to tell. I have to say I am more encouraged to work with Daddy after the recent visit from SB's worker.  I am still going to send off photos and we are going to work on a intro letter this weekend for our communication journal!  I am excited for the hopefulness I have now, but I know that could turn around.  So for now I am semi happy about the current visitation that "could" come up next week.  It probably will happen.  I am still trying to take it week and month by week/month.

We shall see...aka... this is interesting...

So SB's worker came by for the scheduled visit. And again goes into that dad wants visits. I knew this would probably happen and doesn't mean he is leaving us...but I am just not knowing how or what to feel.  In one side of my head I am rolling around thoughts of what the heck do I pack for visits-although thanks to previous advice from a friend I have an idea.  Then comes the what the whoey do I write for our intro for our communication journal?   On the other more scarier side... does this mean dad may clean up his act and get SB back? Does dad love SB the way a daddy should?  And last kinda funny thing that I think most foster parents deal with... ok great, now I gotta figure out & distinguish daddy(bio) to dada/papa (hubby) more often with SB.   I know I over worry about this, but it is hard for me not to.  We know dad may not continue visits for very long... or he may just see what a beautiful child SB is & decide to put SB first in his life.  I guess we just have to wait and see and pray. At least SB will be with us for a while still.  Since SB's long term-ness with us is unknown I have been thinking more and more of having a half birthday for SB-so we can at least celebrate some version of a birthday with him... and if SB is here until the real bday great, then another party!

Oh, way back to original topic, I will be transporting, so it shouldn't be so so bad for SB when he has stranger anxiety, and we can build some sort of brief relationship through hand off of SB. But also maybe I am just trying to think positive of the visits that dad is entitled to.  Who knows.. just keeps us all & SB's family lifted up in prayer-we would appreciate it :)