Interesting... :)

I haven't blogged in a few days. I have been busy. The last two days I have been prepareing a room for String Bean to come home.  Ah, yes that means we got matched again with a child. This child seams to cause fear of our parenting skills by my family-thanks for the vote of confidence! lol!  So social worker called hubby since my cell was off, and I tend to not answer #'s I don't recognize on the home phone. He got the info, called me. We said yes. We met String Bean thursday at the hospital, saw him again friday. Got his official "Placement Folder" Lets just say it has been one roller coaster ride so far! lol! We are excited by how he is pretty much welcomed by everyone.

So this brings me to my other comment. I don't know how to say this exactly.  So with being matched with him and needing supplies, a lot of people had said they would throw a shower for us once we get settled. My mother wanted something now(she thinks we are still missing a lot of things? ) - even though I think she bought us a lot of the impending nessesities. A lot of big things could get purchased....but I donno. I did accept my mother's friend to host a "meet & tea" (i think that is what she called it) with some bridge group friends of my mom. My whole issue is I feel weird asking for stuff, because he is not guaranteed to stay with us.  No family has come forward-he will legally be a ward of the state (foster child) on wednesday. But a family MAY come forward at any time, and things bought would probably end up going to them, since anything you buy for them is theirs no matter if they stay or if they move away.  I think I may just ask for a few things-I donno.  Erat-if you read this or the message, could you respond.... thanks!

So one last thing. I received my first negative comment about fostering. I think it was told to hubby then retold to me.  All I can say is, yes I am sure it will be hard if we have to let him go. But he deserves someone to be upset and heartbroken about him if he leaves, he hasn't had that much love from his bio family.  

What do you say??!!

This Christmas weekend was interesting when it came to the whole fostering / IF stuff. A person brought up a comment & engaged family members of theirs to the conversation. I ultimately know they were trying to make conversation and I guess didn't know what to talk about with us in regards to the whole issues. I know this person may also have not known any better - or at least thought said comment was not offensive. Truthfully said comment wasn't OMG offensive, but it was like.... Ok... Um thanks for your thoughts.     I don't know if the person reads this blog, if you do and you notice this post... I am sorry.  

Ok so what was said relates back to the wanting a baby, "don't we wish we had a little baby like Z?"  Yes we do, but ultimately we wish to help a child. If adoption is part of the helping  a child, then great.   Also comment was said... wouldn't it be nice if say aunt xyz said she would be a surrogate.  Yes, that would be lovely to offer someone, but it costs a lot of money, as much or more money if we were trying ourselves, so we have pretty much figured that is out of the picture. But saying this really puts both sides in a spot. Your forcing aunt xyz to give her input on it (pos or neg) and us to retell that no, it is to much money.  Maybe I am being to negative over a simple comment, but that is how I see it.  I donno...

Christmas

The christmas weekend was really nice. We got some really nice gifts. Hubby got a Keurig (I will now be claiming it, now that I got a filter thingy to make tea in it!hehe!)  We both got a lot of clothes from my parents. We got some misc. things from hubby's mom. Hubby got me a few books, some lotion and crochet hooks. I got him some books, pj pants and some gaming money for our ps3.  We went semi low key this year because we did buy a really awesome techy gadget earlier this winter!  We got a tablet computer.  We love it!  Yes mom & sis, I forgot to say anything at Christmas, because well we didn't get it close to Christmas.   We got the acer iconia 10.1" tablet. Again, we both love it. I am not sure how good it is a reader, since it has a computer like screen with glare and such, but for everything that I have used it for so far it rocks. Kevin uses it all the time to. I love having it by me when I cook since I tend to use recipes found on the web, so there ya go-the web at your finger tips!  Ok, so back to Christmas talking and less about tablet talk! hehe!

I was a happy person this year. And I was really happy that family and people close to us didn't bring up questions and stuff about our fostering stuff.  Looking back, I am glad we are sorta getting this extra break. It is like a really sit back & mentally prepare and spend time together break. We aren't worrying about our home passing any checks, not worrying about taking pre-license classes, Not worrying about getting things just right... just relaxing and taking it all in.  And I was happy this Christmas. There was really only two times that I kinda got teary eyed about what all happened with Sprout.  One was during the children's service @ church, and the other was during gift opening at my parents house.  I hope he had a wonderful Christmas.   Now to box up the few things of clothes that I haven't touched since I put them in drawers once we found out.

We did have a busy weekend though. Today it was nice to just sit and read and use the computer & not have to meet with anybody. Although I wish the hubbs had today off, but next weekend is a four day weekend due to him taking vaca time that he would loose otherwise. :)  Saturday we went to my parent's house for food and gifts.  The one thing I laughed about after wards to people was that she set the table up all fancy and served sloppy joes! it was kinda funny.  My parents are awesome cooks though... The sloppy joes are a recipe that got passed through the family-they are so yummers. And there was also homemade tater salad- yum!! Oh and who can forget her cookies. I'm sorry everyone who makes good cookies-my moms are THE best!  I don't know what it is, but I can have cookies that other poeple call the best and I think they are just ok.     Alrighty..... well enough rambling about food...  So we opened gifts saturday. Sunday was a christmas service at church, we were tech team. Stayed later to give Pastor his gift.   The late afternoon evening was spent between relatives of the hubbs and my family again.  I got to spend longer than I thought Id get with Z (new nephew).  We got to see the MEGA lego city my other nephew B has made. OMG! That boy is talented!  He got two lego kits for Christmas (like the mega kits) and I think he said for the train kit it took him 2ish hours and the lego city kit was close to 6 hours.  But he showed me around his "town" and wow-he has built a lot of stuff! and a good amount out of regular legos with no kit.  Niece A had fun coloring her new color by number thing she got for christmas!    It was fun to see everyone again.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!

Unsettling

Today was or monthly home check. It sure as heck didn't put warm fuzzies in my heart & body.  The reorganization kinda freaks me out.   And I guess from what I have heard it will be good for the social workers case load, not exactly sure it is good for the kiddo's entering the system...  An organization will be taking the placement calls, then go between IFS or CSSW. So say a call comes into PSG (group fielding the calls), they look on there list to see if it is IFS's turn or CSSW's turn. Then calls group, the group has 30 minutes to find a match, if they can't the placement goes to the other group. Ok, so my explanation isn't that good, but our cw didn't explain it much better. He made a point to say that it was now competitive. To me, this really doesn't sound like it is good for the kids.

The one thing that made me a little frownier was that he said when talking about putting our license on hold for the month of January because of trip at the end of January, and he said our "team" hasn't had any children in our age range for a few months. Yes that's encouraging.

So it sounds like they are working on the finer details still/now... i don't know exactly. But our guy doesn't know yet which "group" we will be in yet, IFS or CSSW. We are currently with CSSW, and if we change we will have a new worker.  So yeah we are kinda in icky spot. The reason we are being divided into two groups is because IFS got a contract or something to place foster children.  But they have no "people" or a worse term "Available Beds" since they are starting, so CSSW has to share some of their "waiting homes" with IFS

One thing, I am just hoping this may give us a better chance to get a placement of a child, since they will pretty much eliminate the "matching" to some degree. We didn't talk about the thought we are on the wrong track, since it is all changing in the new year.  Although I am pretty nervous on the whole reorganization, I am also cautiously enthusiastic.

Our CW also strongly apologized for the Whole Sprout situation. I reiterated what I have said on here, We just want the best for him, and it seams like current fmom is probably the best situation for him, so I hope all goes well on her side. We were also reminded that if the case doesn't go the way the fmom had hopped we are the first ones they will call for placement.

Home Check Tomorrow

Sorry neighbors, you get to hear all three of our LOUD (not just a little loud, but they are freaking super loud & they talk :) ) smoke/co detectors. Tommorow we get our home checked and get to chat with our guy. I hope we get a little more info on the whole Sprout thing... most likely not though.  I am also undecided if I really want to put my license on hold as of 1/1/12. I don't want that to be a hindrance of us getting matched.

Ok jumping topics here, but I am upset with some people. I don't know how to talk about it with out family peeps getting angry back at me. So family; if you read this... um don't be mad?   Ok so some family members were trying to make conversation and ask about how the fostering stuff is going and if we have heard any more about Sprout.  We retell what we know and this person starts making assumptions of Sprout's current foster momma.  And goes into the race card issues, of which I have really been trying to pick my battles on. This is not a battle to be won by either side, we each have valid points and beliefs.  I just kinda want to be accepted for what we choose, not what we choose based on peoples opinions. Mkay, not sure this bottom part made a lot of sense to a lot of people... but that's where I am :)

Shameless Blog Plug...

This is my shameless blog plug! I normally don't do this... but I am entering her contest and as such... need to share about her blog.   Her blog is NOT one in my sidebar-although it will be soon! SHe also blogs about fostering, currently has a wee little one in her care. Please check out her blog called I must Be Trippin. I love her blog because she is funny and caring and tells it like she sees it! Really-if you are interested in more fostering blogs, check 'er out!

It Has been...

Ten days tomorrow since we found out Spout would not be joining us any time soon. Four days since Sprout turned four. Three days since I said I had moved on. Two days since I met my new little nephew.  Today has been harder than I thought it would be. I have for the most part moved on, but I know I will hold a little piece of Sprout in my heart.  And really I don't know what I am upset about. The empty room?  The little PJ's we bought for him? The still "hidden" gifts we were planning to give him for his birthday or christmas?  Right now there are to many reminders of what could have been in my house.  I hope we get introduced to someone in need soon. Does that make me selfish? No. I just want what a lot of people have.... My day will come I know, I just wish it would hurry up!

Christmas

Every year I tell myself that I am gonna get my crap together and get the christmas stuff done early. Every year I have good intentions & good plans, but then the middle of December rolls around and I think, Crap... I still have so much to do.  I will say that I am done buying for the kids...um mostly. I got the niece & 1 nephew taken care of...now I just gotta finish up the 2nd nephew gift.  Parents, sister, and pastor are still not even started.   I have ideas of what I want to do for them, but my sister & parents have a crafty aspect to their gift... and well I havent started.  I haven't even ordered my photo cards. Ok well I better go do that!

Baking

Well, what a topic this is! :)  Last weekend I attended a cookie bake at some relatives of the hubby.  So during my crazy bad week I used some of that anger to make cookies. I had to make cookies at some point anyhow for this thing, I figured what better time.  I did not make my normal cookies this year... I chose all new things. But my two favorite things that I made are marshmallows & meringue cookies.  I also made a batch of macaroons... but we wont go there!  The merigue were pretty good-a bit chewy... but ok in my mind. My favorite were the marshmallows... YUMMY!! They were really good & really easy!  I normally am not a big marshmallow fan, but these were way better than the ones you get in the store.  I even plan to make some of these for the pm church service next sunday.  But I am thinking of making them in a different pan-they were to thick.  I also made some double chocolate cookies and some brown sugar shortbread cookies..  The cookie swap was pretty fun to!

Moving On...

Last week was one crazy week emotionally for me. More sad than anything.

As I had said from the beginning of learning about Sprout, we wanted what was best for him. Sure we wanted to  care for him, had the situation worked out. But from the get go we knew that Sprout staying with Fmom was probably the best situation for him.  Sure it was hard the first couple days of learning the way his case is going, but we knew with time we would move on. And we have pretty much.  I hope everything works out with Sprout & his foster family. I have let go of the possibilities and the hopes I had for this little guy, I have said goodbye to the thought. It was hard to pretty much go through the loss alone, but I have made it out the other side a stronger person.   I am looking forward to what child may come our way next.  I hope our wait isn't to long.

We are seeing our case worker next week for the monthly home check. We are looking forward to this because we think we are on either the wrong foster track or not all that we are willing to be on...if that makes sense. And also to get a little more info about Sprout's fmom's trial thing and what he thinks will happen. The only reason I say this is because I think they will come to us and ask again if Sprout's fmom does not win her case.  So I guess we have to be semi prepared of the tiny possibility.

So we are back to the waiting game. After having dipped my feet in the water of what can happen in the foster world, I'm ok with waiting until the right match has been found. I know God has a hand in it, and it will be in his timing.  Oh, also talking about God.... this past weeks service I totally could connect with. The title of the service was "Show Courageous Faith."  http://www.gocrossroads.net/messages.shtml  I encourage you to check it out!

Putting one's self out in public...

...Isn't always so nice.  I plan to keep this blog, but for a few days I really thought about locking it down and only giving access to certain people, but that's not going to happen.

A few days ago someone close to me snooped and tattled on me based on something I wrote here. Nobody will admit that this person did it, but non the less people that don't need to be reading this found it.

All I can say to the person is please respect my privacy - and really the post you tattled on me for really did not say anybody in particular's name.  Also, at the time I wrote that post, I was angry on many fronts and just letting hot air out, it was a BAD day. I could barely keep it together long enough to relax & enjoy being with some friends.  Ok, I will leave it there....

Being Heard vs Being critiqued

So were shall I start?  Today has been challenging for me. I could barely keep the tears away long enough to go to a dinner out with some ladies from church.  Today we found out fmom is fighting her license revokation & criminal charges (really??!?).  So our chances of getting Sprout is slim to none.  I know there are other children out there, but don''t I get to mourn the loss of chances with Sprout before looking to the future?  At least that's what I thought I had the right to do.  I know many people just don't really know what to say, so they say "someone else will come along" and I know someone will. But again I want to have a chance to let go of my current thoughts for Sprout. Sigh... I don't know it is hard for me right now though.    A few people close to me have told me they are there for me, but they tend to be there for me until they want to critique me.  Just please be there for me.  I was there for you... I didn't  say anything negative, or suggested things. I was just what they call a good listener. Just someone to listen to you cry or talk, can you please just do that for me??  That is why I don't tell you things, never really have... just listen please.

I don't know why you seem to think that letting go of possibilities with Sprout is such an easy thing, you think I shouldn't be so upset.  I am upset, and I think it is fine to have a day or two to be upset about this... I did just find out about it today......

Also, really? Make me chose between one family or another family?  This angers me. I should not have to be forced to go to a burial. I am going to the funeral. I want to spend time with the hubbs fam at the annual cookie bake.  Sigh... you tell me you'll be upset and disappointed with us both if we don't go. Great-thanks for letting ME choose what I want to do.

Ca freaking razy

As the days go I am getting more and more upset/frustrated. No news today. I love how our social worker lies to us.  He may very well not know anything, but stick to what you said about calling us everyday to give us the case info. Or at the very least don't freaking ignore responding to my email ALL DAY.   I emailed him at 11:30am, no word back @ 6pm. He was in the office today.  In some ways I really don't like our social worker.  But I can't do anything about it, I'm stuck. I wish I knew contact info for his supervisor, so if say I want to get info I have someone to contact... It is so frustrating.  And I can totally understand someone being over busy(as sw's normally are) but then don't promise you'll call us on monday with news or tell us you'll let us know of new info everyday.   I am really starting to break down again this week- and it is only monday. I just want to know, I hate this state of huge limbo.  The later it is decided for him, the harder it will be for him and us to enjoy christmas. The later it gets decided, the later we decide if we are canceling aruba. The later we cancel aruba, the less chance m&d will get all their money back.  I know the process to figure out his placement now is hard, but come on- just figure it out already.

It's hard for me... does he think about it?

This past saturday we had a "party" at our place. I put party in quotes because it is more of a gathering of friends and pretty low keyed when it comes to the partying. Anywho... two of our friends have kiddos and hubby's brother & wife are expecting any day (yay!!). They were talking all about kiddo stuff and what to expect at the hospital and such.  This is what is known as the mommy clique (sp?)  Ok so many mommies and daddies would deny they do it, but us outsiders know they do it.  So I know I used to feel left out when people would go about talking about this sort of stuff, but at our party the guys got into it to. I don't think the hubbs has been in a situation similar (i could very well be wrong) so I wonder what is going on in his head. If he thinks about that loss that he has also lost. The loss of the whole pregnancy experience and being with his wife at the hospital and the moment of extreme joy when the baby is born.  I wonder what else he might miss and if he is upset about it. He is not a too emotional guy, so even if he had a ting of sadness, not sure he would say anything.  So other than that the gathering was fun.  Thinking of having one of the couples over for new years... they dont have plans and if the situation keeps being the way it is, we have no plans.  So yeah....

The speed of molasses

So here I am today, prepping for a Christmas gathering turned bday party turned back to Christmas party. All because of a little boy named Sprout.  It has been one roller-coaster ride of a week emotions wise. I am back on the upswing of this roller coaster. Things are looking goodish. As good as we could hope.  His chance of coming home to us at any point is 50%. The reason it is so "low" is because it all depends on whether or not we hear if current Fmom is going to fight license revocation.  We were supposed to hear yesterday, but our guy hadn't heard anything and wasn't able to get a hold of supervisor yesterday. From the brief convo hubby had with the guy at 5pm, he didn't sound like he was about to retry calling her, said he is in his office on monday.  So we are hoping to hear something.

Last week was bad, we were so excited to be welcoming Sprout into our house. Monday the case seamed to have changed-or maybe our case manager said it in a way that lead us to believe that. We didn't hear from him till wednesday-and all he sent was an email saying "no news yet."  My mom called later that day to get Christmas gift advice. She asked about the case I told her no news.  Thursday we had thought we lost him. We just wanted to hear something. Yes/no. We were fine with saying goodbye to this boy we didn't really know.  Thursday my mom called asking more xmas stuff. Said something about our case (can't remember exactly... but by then I just needed to let the tears out anyhow...) and I just started crying on the phone. My mom didn't get why I was upset, her comments really didn't comfort me either.  She doesn't really know what this process is like, she knows what we tell her, but emotionally she doesn't know what it feels like.  Emotionally it is like finding out your pregnant with a home test, going to the doctor and "oh maybe your pregnant. I'm leaning towards yes. Oh but this test came back bad. I donno you might be pregnant"  That is as close as I can come to an explanation.  It is hard. I am emotionally attached to this little boy. I want what is best for him.  But at the end of the day it is hard.  So I cried, let it out, moved on.

Now we are back at our holding pattern, waiting for news. I am still just wanting to know yes/no-but a different yes/no. Is she gonna fight it? Are we gonna get him?

Hoping to get off this roller coaster one way or the other this week-we will see...