So a while back I posted how I had heard some news that I should be happy about, but instead was hurt to the core about. Well I can talk a little more about it because the couple made it public. As you can well enough guess they announced they were pregnant. When they announced it I tried so hard to put on a happy face, it was hard, let me tell you. We had an awkward exit from their house. I was about to break down but was to embarrassed to do it in front on them, so hubbs and I did a weird back and forth are we ready to leave thing. The couple that is pregnant is my brother in law and his wife. They are as deserving as any for a child, she especially ranks higher on the deserving list in my mind, she has fought and won the battle against breast cancer. It was just so hard, and really I still can't quite find the words for why I was upset. It had alot to do with obvious feelings of "why not me" (I've covered that before) and the general loss of not having the first grandkid. Their child will be the first grandkid in hubbys family and I think on her side to.
Ok, so you have the background, so now the reason for this post. A week ago we went to a retirement party for the hubby's dad. We (erm .. ok I) didn't know many people there. The boys knew of alot of the people there -mostly old co workers and some relatives of dad-in-law. We chose to sit with the bil & sil (brother/sister in law) and had a good time conversing with them and a few other people. But a big surprise even to myself was the words coming out of my mouth. I was talking with my sil about all things... baby stuff... most specifically her baby. And I wasn't emotional... at all. I was actually happy for her. It is so a sign that I have finally started to move on past the hurt that I have held on to.
For those of you that knew/know talking about the baby and hearing about someone being pregnant and baby showers were the hardest for me. So yeah, there is no way I am going to her shower (sorry sil if you read this) and I can't promise I wont have a melt down when I find out someone is preggo, but at least I can claim that I was happy for someone who I normally wouldnt have been happy for. I can't wait to meet their little munchkin, alas I will have to wait till christmas! lol!!
God has been working in me a lot lately regarding jealousy. I have struggled with jealousy a lot through the years. There are a lot of reasons why, but they aren't that important right now. I am trying to learn (and remember) to be happy with what I have. God has a plan, and will provide what we need, just gotta trust in him.
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