Finding Happiness in my own Skin

So if you got through my rambly blog yesterday, I applaud you!  I want to reiterate that this blog I want to be more of a serious blog. Of me learning to over come my failures, learning to love myself, and making me a better/happier me. I chose to write a new blog after reading a friends blog about feircly loving herself.  I stated yesterday that loving myself feircly is something I just don't do, never have really. And I need to change that.  So here goes todays post.

I have never been happy in my own skin.  I was a chubby kid the minute I was born.  A lot of unhappiness about my body was caused by well meaning comments by family.  Now, I am not putting the full blame on them. I could have been the type of person to hear comments and just shove them off as BS.  I didn't. I didn't exactly take the comments to heart, but it is one of those situations of hearing it so many times you believe it.  I was never out right told I was fat by my family, but there are comments and actions that really stuck.  I remember one such action. I don't remember how old I was, but I was pretty young.  I remember my mom and I going through my closet like we did once or twice a year to see what I had grown out of.  I remember that I was trying on a pair of pants that were to long, but to small around the waist at the same time.  I remember her saying something about needing to watch what I eat because I shouldnt be growing out of 6x pants yet.  That is just one memory.

I was always a fat kid, but yet I developed an eating disorder that I really haven't discovered until this past year or so. I am a food addict. Wow, that was hard to admit actually.  I am addicted to food, I turn to food for comfort, I don't have a healthy relationship with food.  I don't want to put the blame on anyone here, but I think I developed my eating disorder over time from constantly being on a diet.  I was on a diet my whole life.  The food I ate was watched closely. My solace was hot lunch at school. Yeah my parents knew I was eating hot lunch, but they seamed to be ok with it. At home food was closely monitored. I was not allowed treats or snacky foods except on super rare occasions even though the food was in the house and when I did get the opportunity to eat snack foods I would over eat.  One occasion, my parents were going out somewhere and they had gotten me a babysitter. They had bought a bag of cheetos- for the babysitter, but I ended up eating half the bag myself.  At that time I don't recall feeling shame over eating the cheetos. But over time I have felt shame over "indulging" (bingeing) on food.  And the shame is usually what starts the self esteem roller coater for me.  I feel shame over eating a container of hagen daz or the package or cookies or whatever, disbelieve that I did that, tell my self how stupid/ugly/worthless I am.  Then I go on a diet, stick to it for a while, indulge in something else and ride starts all over.

Because I have an unhealthy relationship to food, I also have an unhealthy relationship to dieting. As said above I am always on a diet, always was. I think a lot of it has been to make my parents happy.  To me (and how screwed up is this... I am just realizing as I type this) that for my parents to be happy with me I need to be smaller, my weight needs to be low for them to be happy for me.  I know that sounds crazy, but that is how my brain works.   But I really do think this.  A prime example was over my anniversary again this year.  I had talked to my mom about what hubby and I were planning to do for our anniversary, I said "oh probably going out somewhere like Olive Garden or Cheesecake Factory" and she says oh, sounds good, remember to watch what you eat so you stay on your diet. I didn't say anything but I was pissed that she couldn't just be happy/excited for us and leave it as that.  Maybe I am nuts for over thinking this, but that is again just how I am.

So as the title states I am trying to find happiness in my own skin.  I look in the mirror and all I see is chubby arms, no chest, tummy rolls, pants indent marks, large thighs, large calfs... I know this is sad, I am reading my list and am sad just looking at it, but that is what I see.  I need to look at the better parts of me, the very few things I like about myself.  I like my eyes (pathetic I know)  They have a cool green brown blue thing going on, and I like my feet. My feet are odd, fat and flat, but when I angle em just right they look skinny and boney and I can see veins close to the surface, they look pretty almost.  Sad that those are the only two things I can think of off hand that I like. I need to embrace my body as beautiful no matter the shape.  I need to learn to be happy with me just the way I am. I will with time.  I need to be ok with losing weight for me, for my health and no body else, because really it only effects me and my health. At the same time I need to stop the shame game. Stop feeling bad for eating "a bad" food.  That junk food can actually be consumed in moderation. That I should enjoy my food, and lastly that happiness does not relate to the number on the scale...  I also need to remember I was made in HIS image, I was made for HIS glory, and I am WORTH IT to HIM.