My husband said something regarding this recently to me. We had just found out that someone from church was having a baby. I had also found out that a family relative was having a baby too. I was upset, why not me. So many of our friends and some of my relatives have had babies recently. They are awesome little people, but it is so hard being an on looker who so dearly wants to start a family. It was really hard for me to see the joy that this kind of news brings to couples. I want to be happy for them, really i do but it is just so hard to overlook my "not fair" thinking. I know that is childish to think it isnt fair, but that is how it is right now. It is hard to see these families starting and to think I will never have that opportunity. I will never be able to say "oh you have daddys eyes" or " you have uncle james red hair" or things like that. I know that may seem silly, but that is a loss I feel. It is a different feeling I think than raising an adopted child. It is a maternal connection I think that I will never have. Ok, a little back story goes here I guess. My name is Tracy and I have infertility due to a medical condition I was born with.
So I am lucky that I don't have the constant monthly sadness of loosing a little life or the chance at that life. But I do have the occasional sadness that comes when I find out someone else is having a baby.
I do need to be joyful for these couples, and I know with Gods help it will be easier. Currently I have done a lot of focus on Jeremiah 29:11. I was a recent women's retreat verse, but I have been keeping close at hand lately.
Tracy,
ReplyDeleteI am here for you! I felt that way, after Katie died. I know it's not the same exact thing, especially now that I have Grace, but it still hurts. I wish I could see her and wonder how she would be as a 2 and a half year old. I know it's not the same, but God has plans for you. You will be a mom, just not how you imagined.
There are some pain in the but things about being a mom too. Constant worry, you can't just up and leave when you want, not showering every day..., I should be taking one now, but instead I'm on the computer...haha! :) I'll see you on Tuesday, we can talk more then, dude. Where do you want to meet, Racine, Kenosha or by you, cuz we have plenty of coupons, now Nate got the entertainment coupon book, so...plenty to choose from!!
Let me know, it's up to you.
Em
I first read the title of this post backwards - finding joy in their sadness. And having read it the wrong way actually made me think of my cousin & his wife. For reasons unknown to me, they cannot have children. They have been in an international adoption program for many years (like at least 4), with no sign of any progress whatsoever. About a year or so ago, the decided to also pursue the foster to adopt program in Milwaukee County. Then last September, a brand new infant was placed with them. The infant comes with strings attached and they do not know if they'll be able to keep the baby long term and adopt him. My cousin & his wife are in a hard place--hoping the birth mother "fails" to please the court and has to sign her rights away. My cousin & his wife are basically hoping for something not so pleasant to happen, from the birth mother's perspective.
ReplyDeleteI'm confident my cousin & his wife would tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that maternal instinct or maternal connection to an infant/baby/child is definitely achievable, even if you don't give birth to the child.
It is natural for you to grieve the loss of how you thought things would be or how you think they "should" be. But all is not lost. Keep your head up & your heart open.