Feel Like a Failure

Ok, so I will start this off by saying this post will probably be pretty raw, I have been trying to work through some emotions this past week. I was doing really good until this weekend for a couple reasons.  Please bear with the probable rambling...

Failure.  This is an emotion I struggle with often.  I have a hard time seeing the things I have accomplished, easier to see my failures.  I feel like a failure on many levels now and recently.  I recently got let go from a job that I looked forward to.  I had been there only 30ish days and actually enjoyed what I did. Which is an accomplishment for me. I was let go for semi unknown reasons. They claimed finances were an issue, but I am not sure that is the whole story.  When I got let go I was really upset. Upset with my old boss and upset with myself. For a day or two I thought about all the stuff that could have caused me to be a failure there.  I came up with: doesn't type fast enough, dressed too fancy, worked too fast and thusly had extra time with nothing to do some days, don't smoke, and of course not pretty enough/over weight.  I didn't look at the good things that happened there such as: I got to meet new people, got to dress up and look nice, got to semi reconnect with a HS classmate I worked with, did work that was enjoyable to me.    This was a stepping stone job for me and I have to leave it as such.

Another way I have/ currently feel like a failure is also on the job front.  I used to work for the family business, with the family.  I quit a while back because I was always upset for one reason or another.  Working with the family is not easy. I would constantly be getting into fights with my sister over one thing or another. It got to be too much for me emotionally.  I had to weight the pros and cons of working with the family. Unfortunately my husband and I  suffered because I wasn't bringing home a paycheck, but my mental/emotional health was more important to me.   That may be looked at as selfish, or or how lucky they are that they can afford that.  Let me tell you it is not something I am proud of. I am not proud that I wasn't contributing money to my household.  I am not proud that I felt horrible every time I spent my husbands hard earned money on something not essential.  But I was a lot happier being away from all the drama.

This past weekend was surprisingly hard for me.  I did not think the whole mother's day thing would affect me, it didn't last year even though last year around this time is when we found out how much it would cost for us to even try to conceive kids.  I thought last year would be bad, but it wasn't bad at all.  This year has been really hard.  as stated in the previous post many of our friends have recently given birth to children and some other relatives have had children.  This anniversary will be remembered because it was an anniversary and we found out some news that really hurt me to the core for some reason, even though I should have been happy.  I am still trying to work through why I felt so hurt and I cant exactly write about it because the announcement hasn't been made public by the people who shared the news.  I just feel like a failure as a wife and women in this area.  As a wife that is just something you plan on. Something that is sort of "the plan" - meet a guy, fall in love, get married, start a family, grow old together.  And when you struggle to start a family you totally feel like a failure.  I sometimes ask myself why hubby is still with me since I cant have any of his kids. Why would a guy want to stay with someone who he cant make a family with. But then I remember why we got married. We got married because we loved each other so much. We loved each other no matter what the obstacles would be.  On days when I am hurting, I am glad I have him there to comfort me. To be by my side an tell me it's ok, we will be ok. That is what we did on our anniversary this year, celebrated, cried and cuddled.

Ok, well I think I blogged enough tonight. I am crying over what I wrote, silly me.  I did not plan this blog to be a poor me blog, or a everything Infertility blog. I want it to be a journal of sorts. One that I can write my thoughts and move on. I was really motivated by a friends blog to start this one. She is blogging about loving herself fiercly, and I really believe that is important to learn to do. I know I don't love myself fiercly and can grow in that area.  I future blog I am working on is about being comfortable in my own skin... should be interesting.